So near, yet so far

Today is a relax day. Did some work, research for my Communication Law Essay due Next Thurs and went to Gym for 2 hours :) Honestly, there's no one 'HOT' like what people would think I go to Gym for. Btw, I borrowed the dangerous sexy thriller Wicker Park.
Initially, it is a romance movie with mystery. A loving couple were set up, seperated by the 'evil' new stranger. Although time pasts, unconciously they are still bound and crazy about each other so much..hhmm...Josh Hartnett is soooooo cute indeed.

How can U justify your love to someone. By paying attention to every details U have ever had together? Or by enjoying the need to have each other every single day? That's an important question that I was confronted with tonight. She doesn't use words to tell others how much you love him. But, she shows it. So near..yet so far indeed.

June

Included and excluded

I chatted with Martin yesterday for 1 1/2 hours, hhmm..yeah...too many things to talk about. I hope that his ears now are still capable of hearing. Wakka..He told me everything about what he thinks about Junilla. Ambivalent and selfish..the first two categories that I knew he would have said. I admit it..I am. Trying to be a better person indeed *winks*

Went to Melbourne Show ground on Saturday with Karni, Jackson and his friends. I've been there before, probably that's the reason why I am not too excited. But It was great fun. Coincidently, meet Irene and the gank too..Nice2. In this circumtances, I feel that I am 'included'. That sometimes brings me good mood. Yeah..a real mood-swinger -> ME.

Another 'sad' circumtance, I feel it now (Sat night, 7pm).Why do I need it so much, to be 'included' in a group. Always think,I am independent, am I not? But still, am I not good enough as a human being who needs social acceptance? Or am I someone who is too 'reserved', not opening up, that's why people find it so difficult to have me in the group? Or am I thinking too much? Is it the personality problem, or is it just meant to be like this? Not meant to be in the group, therefore, just let it be? Just accept the faith ?I hate it when all these questions come to me. I start questioning everything. I hate it when I am alone. So worthless.

Now...tick tock tick tock..blurred

C.l.u.b.b.i.n.g

WooHoo...Clubbing on Friday night, Great Fun. It was raining, and lead us (the gank:Irene, Franco, Krystal, Richie and Valene) to wait till nearly med-night to leave the house...wakaka. I was so surprised when I got into the tram, most of them were already Half-sober :) I wish I could have joined the club earlier that night, hhmm!! I wore the new-black boots I have, HHmm..with mini skirt and black Halter-neck top..hmm..

The club is at Chapel Street,Fiuh....lots of fun. The night was so 'crazy', for me. Although I didn't drink, but dancing was great fun. Still learning though..I didn't care much. Stayed in a group and I got 'molested', hhmm..by the gank. Wakka...I was a bit too sensitive with 'touches' *smile* And also, I told Irene gal a little secret that I had ;) Stayed there till 3.30 a.m..Sooo tired. Met Gavin Ko (my protective Big Brother) and I had my Hug..sstt... I was glad that he was fine. Haven't seen him for ages, I was a bit concerned.

Mr. Cheah kindly drove us home..I had fun, great night, good refreshment...welcome to the transition world *winks*

June

Is this for real?

Holiday starts, yay..it's the semester break that everyone has been waiting for. I had a presentation this morning. It wasn't the best but I was quite happy. I didn't know what happen, these days, I haven't been really well. Keep coughing..In Class, I volunteered to go first for the presentation. And I left the class at least 3 times..for coughing. Didn't want to interrupt my classmates who were presenting when they got their turn. Sorry Mates!!

Tonight is a cosy night. It will be nice if I am not alone. Well, I wish. Something comes to my mind now. I doubt people can do 100%ly what they say. Would U actually really wish your EX 'good luck' and happy with his/her new someone..do U sincerely mean what U say? Able to get rid of 'bond'? It's hard if the feeling is profoundly bound. Although, there is no official relationship declared..but, for sure, it will be a shock when U hear that your still-loved-one is moving on now..he/she is experiencing a new 'love' life now. What do U think your first reaction will be? Would U really wish he/she the best happy life? Or your heart is actually trying to deny it?

I am lucky enough to bump into Allan tonight. Strange thing happens again....Meeting, patiently waiting..bye2 and Hi again. It's just weird to find that he is chatting few minutes before his meeting in progress. He actually has that time, or let me put it this way..he is willing to have that few minutes between to chat with me. Then he excuses himself..then leaves the conversation properly. What a weird situation. Shouldn't exagerrate the situation but I don't know how to respond. It's just weird to have an older male friend, a mature working man to actually has his precious time for me, this young-Uni-student. How do I actually position him in me. Do I just look at this guy as a guardian, a person who can be there give me advices when I need him to. Or should I not look at him this way. I have to underline this, it feels like a real comfort when this sweet thing happens in one of my mundane life in Melbourne with no BF or Crush. HHmm...is that an excuse?

Tuesday

Hey2..it's Tueday. I had the most tiring night of the week. Met up with Elina and friends, and guess what, went to Melbourne Central and waited there for more than 1 more to see Cameron Diaz. Yeah..real Cameron Diaz. She was here for her movie premiere 'In her Shoes'. She looked great, nice and elegant *smile* with her black top/dress. This is the first time actually to see a Hollywood star in real life. Haha..though it's not a close up look, but..I saw her indeed.

At night, Richmon (one of my colleagues in Nandos) asked me out. Yeah..thought it's a dinner or what. But then, it wasn't anything interesting. I was 'trapped' in a business review seminar...hhmm....After my whole day Uni..I was so tired. And I am not interested in Business or starting a Business yet. I know what he has no intention to drag me along. It's just because he saw me in Melbourne Central that night..Haha.

O yeah..spending more and more money. I wonder how one day I can earn all the money I have spent, pay it back to my parent. Hhmm..years huh. On Monday, I went and paid for my Fiji trip,costs me more than $1000. Then I paid for this Friday night 'clubbing' (Jennifer is performing) and the Flare dance production in Oct. Also, I have to pay $70 for Communication Ball coming in 2 weeks time..hhmm..well, I do need to have extra shift at Nandos, I guess.

Myself..I haven't been really well for the past week. Keep coughing and couldn't stop it, that's the worst thing. U know when U have the itchy throat and U cough every 5 seconds. U hold ur breath and try hard NOT to cough, but U couldn't. That's what I have now. Hate it to have left the class room so often, so I won't bother other people who are listening to the lectures or tutors. What can I do? Wanting to buy the real cough syrup instead of the fake product they sell in the Chinese Groceries, but..they obviously don't have it now. I really want to be FIT soon.

Thing happens for reason

I am 'lucky' enough to work at Nandos yesterday night, Yeah...on Friday night. When everyone goes out for party, drinking and I was stuck in the restaurant serving 'half-sober' customers. Well, that's just one of the day. First I thought it would be a horrible night, but it wasn't. I was working with Richmon *smile* and that was fun. Also, Irene gal paid a visit...with her hugs, that made my night worth. Haha..

Today, as usual, I work again. And this special day is Andrew's Affandi Bday. I bought him a Choco-Mud-cake, his favourite. *winks* Although I didn't get to give him a Bday hug, I wish..but I am happy enough to have his happy face. He left early though..since Jimmy needed to leave because of his back pain.

Went home about 6, and surprise2..I saw Mr. 28 online tonight. Yeah..after 1 week of 'disconnection'. We chatted for about 1-2 hour, but with 'off and on' session, oups..the internet problem. It was always nice to have a chat with him. I feel good. Honestly, he always comes with nice words and lines ~~~hhmmmm~~ Although I am not sure of where we are going from here..and the foundation of the relationship is blurry. Sometimes I want to believe that this is faith, but again..it's all too 'unreal'. In fact humans need to treasure every second they are having now. So, should I just enjoy the time I have with him around and appreciate what I have got now without questioning? Here it comes again, question about feeling. I have no clue, yet.

June

L.o.n.e.l.y

Relaxing week, I wouldn't prefer this. It's not I do not have things to do, well I do. Essays are coming up though :\

Tuesday, the same routine, I met up with Deviani, Elina, Stephani and Irene. Always great fun to have the girls' talk. Haha. Oups, I forget to pay Deviani for the chips though. I owe her #3.25!! After that, went home. And chatted with sister and Martin. Everytime I have the conversation with them, it feels good. I feel that i am not lonely, and I still can have them while I am in Melbourne. Weird. Lack of motivation that Martin claimes he has, makes me think again. Unconciously, I always feel guilty.

On Wednesday, I didn't have a tight schedule for the day. I had one tute in the morning. Went to the last session of Professional series where the mentor taught me how to plan the future, who I am and and what I want to be. That's the most challenging thing I have encountered. I know myself, I always try to avoid the 'planning' part of my life. Not that I don't think about it or care, but it's just..hhmm...I am not ready yet. Yet, I did all the things that the mentor wanted me to start thinking, and I guess, it's a good start.

At night, I have a dinner. This particular dinner lead me thinking why can't I resist the 'temptation'? Since I am alone here, the greatest challenge is the need to have someone's company. It comes again. I have to admit, there are a side of me that other people don't know. I want to reveal it sometimes, but i couldn't take the risk of losing people's faith on me. Isn't that the way U live in this world? The best feeling is to be able to express urself in whatever circumtances U are in. That's how sometimes I think. U are blessed when U have someone/partner who is actually care and understand you regardless of what happens. It's not they tolerate you too much, but U urself always know what they can do anything, includes accepting the good and bad side of you. And no judging. of course I can find this in friends or close family members too...but again, it's a complete different scenario.

I do feel worthless too, sometimes. I know people appreciate me. I guess I am being demanding. But I coulnd't help it. Irene has JRMY, Jen has Mr. Cheah and Valene has MING. Everyone has someone. Jimmy (Nandos), Sister, Vita, etc...almost everyone in my circle of friends, they all have someone. Me? Not technically ::: All these are just thought that I am willing to type. Importantly, I am not suffering though. There won't be gals' night out this Fri..This Sat, September 17, I will have a Bday cake for Andrew.A at Nandos, it should be a minor surprise. Feel sorry of he has to work on his bday. And also, I will be working with Jimmy and friends, so it's be fun.

O yeah, quick update. Allan, the virtual friend I have, is working now, in one of the company in KL. We haven't had the chance to chat no more. But I received his FS mssg today, feel happy for him. He is busy, important thing is he is enjoying every single thing he has now.
Good luck!

June

Housemate..wanted

My housemates are going to move to Sydney in a couple of months
:( I will miss them a lot, including all their friends. Although I have to say, I am not that close to them, always eat dinner together...or spend much time together, but I feel 'lost' now. They are the people who helped me when I first came to Melb. They see me grow..and always support me, it's true. I chat with them once a week, yeah, I know it's bad. But we always know each other's 'existance' at home, in our own room. So, you know, that's the feeling of being 'attached' too. I will miz them a lot..I won't cry though. Ching2 and Ayang, best supportive housemates.

Then it left me with a big decision to make actually. I have to decide whether I want to stay here, meaning I need to find people to move in with me. Or, I need to start thinking of finding housemates to live in and move out from here. Initially, I hate to change. Yeah, I might not be a dynamic person. Of course I want to be independent and if I can, I will build a new life with my own effort. It's still more than 6 months to have my Bro (Jeffri) to possibly share a unit with me..So, really need to think about housemates at the moment.

O yeah, yesterday I had dinner with Krystal, Franco, Val and Irene :) Great fun. They always know how to entertain. Every five minutes, I will laugh myself out. What do U think? We all went to Carnegie and had Korean food, @ Kimchi Grandma. The food isn't bad. Then went home around 9.30. So cold...and I freezed to death. I am so pleased that I had a great dinner with the 'gank', Haha...

Work work and work. A lot of things to do. I do need to manage my time. The crucial time management!! Well, can I have a sneak of fun though. I hope so.
Martin told me yesterday that he might not be able to go online as often as he normally does. Don't know if I can survive or not. HHmm...so used to his company this time along. But I guess, we'll still can keep in touch.

June

Fell Like typing

The one and the only sister I have is not single no more now..Haha. Congrats!! U know, U make me more 'desperately lonely' now. Well, I guess, I just need to wait a little bit longer. Love love and love, sometimes I am so sick of that :)

Today, i chatted with Mr. 28 online again. It was great fun. The night before, I felt so sorry for him. The thing was I left in the middle of the conversation. Therefore, he was left confused...poor thing. Sorry mate! I left for unexpected inviation for a chat with my housemate in her room ;) talking about Fiji Trip and Visa issue.

About today. I don't know what am I experiencing now. I have no clue. It is like having this kind of attention that I have been longing for a while. The forbidden expectation unfortunately. But what can I do about it and what can stop this? We agree, to let it flow. But who on earth will agree. About U let it flow with someone who you know virtually, Online? I need to emphasize that nothing's gonna happened. "Thing happens", that what he says. Yeah..but don't make me believe that too much. I never want to be fooled. I have enough for people who like me just for the sake of my appearance. They need me just because I can understand them, cherish them, care about them..but not for the real me. I need them (especially future partner) to be understanding and realistic. What I mean here is that realistically think that I might change, people might change. So, you can expect me to be the same naive Junilla for 10 years or more. I will change, not thhe personality though. I need a person who can bare with me for whatever reason. A person who can grow with me. What should I type now? More and more craps yeah? All the philosohpy..Haha.

BTW, the dinner with my beloved Marion is cancelled :( Well, she is sick unfortanately.And now..I am in the computer Lab, having fun with M@x...he claims that he is professional, yeah, damn professional in the picture he takes in Max Brenner..Wakkaa. Indeed, it is a good picture. And IRene...was acting crazy few seconds ago. Waakaka...Lucky I haven't had my dinner, if not..I would have regret. They are so so funny...Laughing as if this computer lab is ours. Irene is always the funniest girl, the hilarious Irene. U are the best...

June

I wonder why

Why can't there be a pure friendship between male and female? Both single and both share personal stories with each other...But in the end, one will fall for the other. True? You think you know him well enough, so there won't be any scenario where he likes U as 'someone'. But in the end, he turns you down. He confesses his feeling, although he knows exactly nothing gonna change the friendship I think we have. That's what happen to me yesterday. Pretty sad..for me.

Why? Shouldn't you be pleased to have someone fall for you? Realistically Yes, but not emotionally. I feel that I failed in keeping the relationship well enough as I should probably have. I might have giving a wrong sign or hint to him. Therefore, he can let himself like me. Is it the gesture or the ways I present myself? I am confused. I do draw the line, don't I? And if I have to admit, I distance myself from men for the past few years. Except Martin who I have always be upfront and honest to, and some old friends too. Those who I really know care about me for who I am, as their friend. This is a real pathetic situation.

Alright, let's talk about FIJIIIIIII now. Quick update. I am going on the 2nd Nov, for 6 days 5 nights. All everything seems to be confirmed. I have a question though. I chatted with Ching2 (my housemate), and she brought out an issue, which worries me now. Do I, as an Indonesian, need a VISA to get into FIJI island? You know Indonesian is soon to be the 'black-listed' travellers, I guess. Hopefully not..
Allan..a guy I know virtually. We chat online today. And things seem to go pretty well. At least, I have someone to talk to when I need it. He is older than me, mature, motivated, realistic and smart. This is what I can see virtually too. Who knows the real him..so, to be cautious, I should be..as he says too. But, how far?

Tomorrow, Friday Night...Yay. I am going to have a dinner with Marion (the most friendly Aussie girl I have ever met). Pretty, smart, friendly...and friendly. i have ever think that if I have to find a mentor in Public Relations, She will be the best mentor I can think of, seriously. We'll go to 'Desert house', her favourite restaurant with Irene and Jennifer. Well, it will be a great night for sure. Can't wait. We'll be chatting like crazy..I think. Haha

June

Elina, devi and Irene

I had a coffee time with Elina, Deviani and Irene Tuesday, two days ago. We missed Stephani though. As always, we talked about everything, and everything was in details..HHmm..We always laughed as if we own the 'Lounge'*smile*. It was good fun, a little 'something' that actually helped me go through the rest of the week. Guess what, there were two strangers that approached us few minutes after Irene left for the Fashion event. Irene, you should have stayed a little bit longer. There are 1 Aussie bloke and 1 Vietnamese (Asian). Well, they didn't actually leave good impression, especially the 'half sober' Vietnamese. Nice and friendly, but no 'cya next time'..Elina was so good. Lucky we had her, she could 'tackle' them ;)

This Saturday I won't be working. I feel guilty coz I won't be earning money. Yet I need to pay for the PR seminar RMIT has organized for $44. But it is wise to think it this way, this is one of the best experiences to really get into the PR industry. At least have a 'glance' of what industry it is. So, it is worthed, isn't it? I have no experience at all in this industry. If I don't start getting my self involved, When? Hopefully, I will enjoy that day, and have a clear understanding of the career I wish I have had in the next 5 years.

June

If Only

Who doesn't like this phrase? I love it. It might sound like I love to dream. But we need dream, don't we? These few days, exactly the past 2 days, I have been thinking a lot. Not about assignments sadly, it is more to my emotional feeling. This is because there's nothing major due next week :| which leads me to be 'lazy' to be busy..and let myself waster the time to think things that I am not supposed to think.

If Only I can be Free from feeling. If only I can please everyone I love and love me. If only I make no mistakes. If only I can foresee my future...If only I could turn back time...If Only.. They are all the 'If Only' questions which are all impossible. Think back, my heart isn't as strong as I think it should be. I hate loneliness, yet can't help not to be. There's always someone who doesn't mind to stand by my side whenever I do need somoeone. But, when I think, I need to be fair too. It has to be vice versa..

I am currently trying to finish a book by Nicole Krauss The History of Love and there is a line that catches my attention.
"Her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering"
What a sweet thing to have if it is to be real. But still, there's a sad story behind every Love story. I have finished a book called Call me Elizabeth , great book indeed. It's not about the the main character who is a prostitute. For me, it's more to the struggle of a mum with six children and how she demands the family to survive. Her Love is unconditional and she would do Anything for Love, would you?

I chatted with Jeanne today. And we touched on Potential Love story too. People say that "It's better to be loved than to love", OR, "It's better to be with someone who love U rather than someone who U love". Is this true? Which one applies? HHmm..I am not sure myself. I guess, to have the mutual love is the best. But it is hard to get.

Well, that's for tonight. Still have a lot in mind about what my current emotions are... but can't write no more. Secret..Wakaka.

June

Not the best Saturday

My heart pains. A lot reasons to this. I feel that I fail to please the people (more than 1) I love. I don't know exactly what I have done to them. Do I actually hurt them really without any intention? Or am I too stupid to NOT know what I have done? Have I always been aware of the consequences of every step that I make? Seriously, I feel so bad today. I wish I can just vanish from this world.

Talk to someone, knowing that how much in pain he is. I can hardly stand. My emotion is crawling like the wave in the ocean. There's no instant direction. So, what should I so to be wise? Again? Why all the idealistic way of thinking is always there? I hate this. What about my emotion and feelings? I am also normal human being.I tell myself, I need to STAND FIRM, regardless of how I emotionally weak...

I offended someone at my work today, not intentionally. I apologized though, but no response :( The sad thing is that, he took it personally. He might be too sensitive, but it's his prerogative. I am sometimes sensitive too. But, it actually affected me. Really! I hate it becoz it made me hate myself, which I shouldn't.
I hate to be ignored as a person, it doesn't feel right. I try my best to please everyone, but what do I get? I know, I need to sincerely please others..can't ask for more, But..I am also normal human being. I just need some respect and appreciation.

I guess, I have always post unhappy part of my life. That's sad. I wish I can be myself more, yet I want to be 'full of life' like others.

FIJIIIIIIIII...btw, quick updates. I am going to Fiji with the gals this Nov. Well, the booking is to be made soon. Hopefully, it'll be the best memorable trip I ever had with my friends....First time not with my family though.

June

Forward or backward

Most people don't normally think backwards. Past is the past. So, why do I need to always look back? If I think about what happened last week or yesterday, it's what other people do too. But when it comes to this, thinking about what happened years back..it's not a good sign.

Anyway...yesterday wasn't the best day. I had a presentation, which I think didn't go very well. I knew it before i even started, but I couldn't change it. And another extra annoying thing is a classmate of mine starts to bother me a lot. He is just annoying. Even when I went online MSN, I have to set myself BUSY to avoid him from calling me.. wicked huh?

Yet there's something nice too. Nice to know that people can actually trust you and willing to share their problem with U. Especially when you actually want them to share it with U. *wink* I guess, everyone does have their own problem. It's whether they want to speak out loud, share it with at least someone, or just keep it within themselves. Though I would say,having someone is the best. I can go insane if I don't have.

There are just so many memories that I can't NOT think. I do wish I can turn back time..unfortunately, it will never happened. People who have painted the picture of my life and coloured it. Poeple who make me keep their messages and never want to delete them and I haven't. People who make me write my diary. Someone who make me now realise that I am too 'stupid' not to know or get the hints. Regret? yes, I do regret. It will be selfish though to ask that someone to treat me the way he used to. Well, I can just sealed this beautiful chapter.

Now, I want to keep myself firm. Phantom of my past, hopefully it will fade away yet it will never vanish.