Unforgivable sinner

Emotion fluctuates. One day I can be really happy, another day I can be darn 'dead'. Please excuse me. Though my motto is to 'expect the unexpected', it hardly works. I have been through a lot of 'pain' lately. Don't want to make others worry about me, coz seriuosly I AM fine. Happiness won't last..thus now, the 'unhappy' time rules (in my life now). I have been in this circle and stupidly refuse to get out. Feeling a bit disappointed with myself, with all the un-solved problems. Too tired to hang in there. All I know is that, I am not a perfect or ideal human being, I do have mistakes in my life. I tell myself though, I will never have the word 'regret'. Coz I do want to treasure every single step I have taken. If I choose to do A, I have to face the consequences without regret.

I know, there are people with worst scenarios. Therefore, I know I can pass this. Don't freak out..ok? I went to my first counselling session @ RMIT last Tuesday. First time in my life that I thought I needed one. Just to let it all out..and need objective opinion. Thus, I decided to go when on that day all my group-members ditched me by cancelling the 'supposed to be a meeting-session in the library'. Haha..it's not them to blame though =) There are a lot of uncertainties in my life that I need to find the answer to. I wish soon.

:June

'is he/she the one?'

Have you ever come across this question in your life? You assume that in a relationship, you need to know whether he/she is or would be the one in your life. It's really hard to justify though. Although some people might think, the one they have now as their BF/GF is the one, Unless they are really certain of the 'relationship', no one can actually say so.

Regardless of the condition you are in, whether you are 'going' into a relationship, or U are in a relationship..I guess, there will be a time you ask yourself, is he/she the one? And when this strikes you, what would U do? To decide something depending on the answer to this question might sound like a cliche. Though it's hard to be objective, but I guess there are always two sides of a story. You can either go with the flow, and do not worry much about the unpredictable future. Or you can start to think 'logically' to fit the social norm..to be the ideal person. In my opinion, it's the mix of both, which most of the time 'stop' you from moving.
It's either U go with the flow, though there are risks. But at least you don't lose before you try. Or to NOT try, to give and lose before U even try. Coz you are 'resisting' yourself and love to play in your comfort zone. Reluctant to face the fact.

How if you know, he/she is the one for you. Yet you can't do anything about it. Coz the 'uncertainty' and potential 'impossibility'. Should you give up on him/her? Or should you just let it be. And just have faith in him/her. I can't really say that if you say 'Yes, he/she is the one' then you should be able to hang in there. Coz it's hard. Then U think 'so, what's next?' What if he/she isn't thinking the same thing? What I know is that, if everything tells U that he/she is NOT the one..maybe U have to start to let it go and give up on him/her. Yet, if the feeling of 'Yes, he/she is the one' is darn strong, should U not have given up on him/her. Coz your heart tells U so..Is he/she worth it?

:June

Which one is worse..

Which one is worse? To lose someone after you've been through the relationship OR to 'lose' someone without having the relationship? I don't know..you tell me.
Do I sound desperate everytime I post an entry about my feeling? Someone (my sister) told me this afternoon. It's actually a form of 'support'..thank U.

I feel so 'unwell' today. Mentally and emotionally, I guess. Sometimes, I think, I need to give up on something that I have been dreaming of. But my heart tells me the contradiction to this. It tells me to keep on trying. To win over this 'game'. They say, if U have faith in something, you will get it. I do want to proof this.
Have you ever feel that U are at the edge? Feel like U are too tired to keep on trying that turns out to be nothing at the end, at least there's a 50 50 chance to win and lose. That's how I feel now. To scared to be the loser, thus keep playing in this game..though I know, to win this game is hardly possible. Am speechless now. Want to let it out, but there's something that stops me everytime I want to make a move. I do want to live my life happily! Regardless of what happens now.

:June

How do U define...

Care. Love. Companion. Like. Affection..etc. How do U define them.
Honestly, there's no correct definition. Nothing will stay forever, and feeling will fade. It is just something that people have to accept..Maybe, maybe not.
One of my best friends had just gone through a hard time. I really hope she is doing better now. It was an unexpected nightmare. Though I can be by her side now, to comfort her. I hope she is strong enough. I don't want to get into details though.

Honestly, I am disappointed with all these. Not to be biased coz she is my friend, but I guess, it's just unfair. If the love fades, it's fair enough to break up. It's unfair though to hurt someone with all the un-revealed lies. The on-going lies that were told just after the break-up.
It's a cliche. To love someone, U need faith. U need honesty! And also, if U can stay for that someone U love most, that's called love. Or sacrifice. U will stay regardless of what happens. U'll fight for it rather than giving up. If love fades, U'll try to have it stay. It's commitment. Am not an expert though, but that's what I learnt these days.

It isn't the best week ever. I had my 1st Accounting test last Saturday. It was so stressful to recall something I've learnt ages ago. No excuses allowed. Yet, it's hard to have this accounting subject that I am doing now after all the excitement I have in Communication field. It's all getting harder when I have to use all the new terms or jargons that I am not familiar with.

:June

Rest in Peace

Accumulation of all the 'unspokens'..will have me rest in peace one day. Been experiencing a lot of depressions that I myself don't even know how to explain. And couldn't express either. Maybe this should stay as the unspoken. Coz what's the point of me posting this entry for you to read? Anyway, I don't know when it starts, what the symptoms are..all I know now is I'm nowhere near OK. Though I tell myself I will be fine tomorrow, it is a darn difficult to do so. To comfort myself all the time. And to realise the fact that I am actually fragile, which I hate most, and I have no one to lean on..

Contradictions are absolute. I seriously hope, people will live their life filled with love yet independent. Thus, they will never cry for the lost of their loved one.
Apparently, U will not lose something that U have never had.

:June

True and Tender

Haven't been blogging for a while, at least a week. One of the reasons why maybe becoz of my 'ruined' blog template (the right hand side of my blog, is in 'damaged' condition).This, with my lack of HTML knowledge to fix this problem, I might need someone more professional to help me fix. Hikz

Anyway, have been busy catching up with my Accounting weekly readings and the coming exam on this Saturday. *Fingers crossed*. My work at Nandos, which I thought I would have been 'kicked out' soon from that Resto since I got fewer shifts, is now stable again. It turns out now I get more shifts than I though I could have. Been working a lot now..3-4 shifts per week. I don't mind and still can manage. Coz have only 3 days of Uni, though the classes are actually intense. No joke.

<10.03.2006> didn't do much. Caught up with Krystal, ever since the KL trip in January. Met Fanco and Richie too. Was nice..but it reminded me so much of Irene..miss her so much. Anyway, wanna wish her best luck with her new job ...so excited for her. I was so happy when she told me, as though I am the one who get the job..wakkaka..
At night, went to Lavish, a club in Dockland. So nice..I mean the view to the sea, not the club. The music was boring, didn't really enjoy myself. Went there with a friend from Nandos, there were some other friends too. We went for kinda 2 hours. We went back home walking, not too bad actually. The weather was just nice, the empty streets and nice view of Dockland in Melbourne. Highly recommended for couples. It would be damn nice if I were to walk with my partner rather than with friend..Haha

<11.03.2006> is Fadhilah's Party (a collaboration of her 21st Bday celebration and farewell party, Yeah..sadly). Anyway, felt so happy that I could actually help her, at least with the 1/2-price-ribs-and-wings packs from Nandos, Woohoo..and also with the home-made Guestbook, which she originally asked me to help her buy, by Unit 2513/QV (me and my housemates). Vita and Dina (my housemates) helped me a lot though =). Anyway, the party was nicely organized. The game wasn't boring..and everyone seemed to have fun. Caught up with some other Foundation friends, including the Bday girl of course. At the same time, Mr. Ant was having her sister's 21st Bday party too in the city. I wonder how did the party go though..coz I forgot to even ask him when he came with 3 balloons from that Bday party, filled with Helium...the one that I have been 'wanting' for ages =) Thank U...

Chatted with my Lil Bro yesterday. He was so 'pure' sometimes. Makes me love him more..but couldn't actually tell him this in front of him. Wakaka..He shared his 'secret admiring' story and also his 'bored' life in Indo when he has nothing to do with what is called 'school'. Actually it's only a weekend, a real free weekend, and he was already freaked out. OMG..He is an ultimate 'can't NOT do anything' guy huh =)...

Quote of the day: Love is an appreciation, not a game.

:June

Moonlight Cinema

Outdoor cinema where people can sit on the grass and watch a movie, that is the Moonlight Cinema . How cool is that? They only have it during Summer, I guess. When the weather is consistant at night time. This is the first time for me to go there. Went there to celebrate Renny's 21st Bday. Blind-folded her from Federation Square to Stop 19, then walked within the Botanical Garden. I was good with direction..hhmm..

This moonlight cinema is located in the middle of Botanical Garden, not too far away from the city. Becoz it exists only in summer time, thus it soon will end. The last screening will be on this Sunday. Lucky I went there.
Anyway, it was so different. Here, we could actually make noise or chat, a lil bit. Hehe. And I realize, this is where the smokers can actually smoke during the screening. Damn it! The feeling was so peaceful though. I guess, if only I have a partner, it would be such a romantic night. Why? Coz U watched the movie in the middle of a garden. Sit back and relax. U can also see the tall buildings in Melbourne city. Then the fresh smell of the nature. The birds fly pass your view..and later on the night, you'll see the stars hanging on the dark sky. Amazing! I love it so much.

Yesterday afternoon, I caught up with Gavin, my big-protective-brother. He is doing really good. Am glad to have him back. We went to Inck and had a drink. He told me about his plan of starting a business, selling shoes. It's actually half-shoes half-sandals. Not bad really. He may need me to help him too, do the Admin stuff, if he needs in the future. And I guess, this is a good start for both me and him, if we are really doing this. I feel really honoured when people actually can trust me and believe in me =)

Seriously I am no where near certain now. When I watched the movie Shopgirl @ that moonlight cinema, it had me think about my life. When I need to be really sure about something that I want to get, yet at the same time, I can't do it without the second party approval. It's not I can't do it myself. Sometimes in life, there's no such thing that you do it yourself, you succeed. Surely, you can make yourself happy. but at the end of the day, U need someone to 'complete' the hard days you have.


:June