Collection of doubts.

There are always questions.
Where is the other half? Or maybe my other half?
Why would I care when no one does?
Enough is enough, but still..I can't let go Yet.
Been waiting for something pointless, been disappointed.
Trying hard to think positive, it's harder done than said.

There is a girl.
U think she has everything..but she doesn't.
Is there any hope beyond the pain?
Is there any excuse for misleading?
Is there any..?
Why can she be such a 'weak' person? When she can't say NO to smtg she feels wrong about.
Why can't she resist some temptations that she could have resist?
Why does she have to be this indecisive in life?
Why everything seems to against her sometimes?
Why does she feel like sometimes, she needs to live on her own. Coz she needs to. No one is willing to be there when she needs to lean on their shoulder. Maybe it's just a matter of, who she wishes it could have been.

:June

Post- Sydney.

Last Thursday, I had my Accounting exam. I think I did quite alright. Though I guess there's no such thing like 100% grade for me..yet I know I won't fail =). At night, went to stay over at Jen's house. Thanks for the free ticket, thus I could have my easter break in Sydney for 3 days 2 nights. I stayed over her house that night because our flight was early in the morning, at 6.30 am the next day. Met Jen's housemate, Allen, cute little friend (more like a boy). Easy going and funny.

ANyway..Sydney trip was awesome! Thanks Rhonda (the owner of the travel agency where Jen is now working) for the tickets. Apparently, Rhonda and family were there too, at Sydney. Am so glad to have known them all. Let's start with the first day.

:Friday. 14.04.06:
It was the Good Friday, for Easter celebration. We all reached Sydney at around 8.30. That was early! Went to the city by bus, costed us $10 each for one way. And got to the Avillion hotel at Pitt Street. We were supposed to stay at level 16, but it's more like the 5th floor. Anyway, the hotel was not too bad indeed. We (Me, Jennifer and Shannon) left the luggages in the hotel room and headed off to the Sydney Opera house. It was so hot that day. Tried hard not to look like tourists, Haha..it doesn't work. Most of the shops in the city were closed though, coz it was Good Friday. We walked all the way from Pitt street to the Opera house, which took us almost 30-45 minutes. First day, didn't know about the transport system in Sydney. Ended up having lunch at a restaurant nearby. The Chicken salad was served in a big round bread, which I didn't finish at the end. Went back to the hotel and had a nap before we headed off to a bar nearby. Called 'PUB'(I called it). [Correction. the real name is 'Three Wise MOnkeys'.] Was good. Though I have to admit, it's not my cup of tea. The music especially. The night ended at around 10pm.

:Saturday. 15.04.06:
Plan of the day was to go shopping and met up with my Ex Housemates, who I used to live with for the past almost 3 years before they moved to Sydney last November. I was really looking forward to meet them, the bad news was, it was cancelled till the next time we meet again. Was a bit disappointed, but I understood their priorities.
Anyway, in the morning, the girls and me went to Paddington Market. The market was great! So many European designer bags, clothings and art stuffs. So worth it! I bought a nice bag there. It was a light green and gold colours. Looked classy. Love it! Its label is Gorgeous Girly Things ..Hhmm...I think I spent around $100 in a day. Lucky I had budget that can keep me from spending too much money. Will work more hours to earn this money back now.

At night, we (again) went to bars. Was plannig to go to a bar called 5 degrees (again, I rename it). [Correction. It's real name is 'Minus 5'.]I guess, tourists will come here. It's a bar constructed with Ice. Yes, all are ice. The seats, the tables, the glass..everything single things. We didn't get in though, coz with our tight budget, we all thought it's not worth it. ANyway, the admission fee was $30 and everyone had to hire the jacket they provided (coz it's seriously freezing cold inside). Gavin, who came to surprised the girls that night, went there and took some nice pictures.
We got into a really cosy bar called the Establisment. I loved the environment. But not the idea to drink..Haha. I guess, I am not yet 'lovin' the idea of drinking. No offence though for those who love it. Maybe I need more time and practice, coz I am not, it's not a bad thing. One after another, we ended up at the same PUB we went the night before. Here..all the amazing and un-think-able experiences happened. Met 2 Switz guys..and..hhmm..

:Sunday. 17.04.06:
The last day we spent in Sydney. We went to see a movie. Yeah, why would we watched movie while we could do that too in Melb, But we did! Guess, everyone needed a break too from shopping and sight-seeing. /Failure to Launch/ by Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey. I guess, what makes it stand out is the actors. This is a nice line from the movie..
'Do you want to spend the rest of your life having fun or with me?'...

I have to say, I can't thank Rhonda enough for this good trip. She treated us dinner at a ultimately special Japanese restaurant called 'SUMINOYA'. Great food, great deserts, great feelings! Really appreciate all these. How lucky those people who know them and can be little part of their life =) In the morning, we had to check-out at 11. Thus, Rhonda offered us to 'transit' our luggages in their room, really thoughtful (If I haven't mentioned it before, the family stayed in the same hotel as we did). Back from the Restaurant, we went back to the hotel. Spent one hour quality time with them, felt so good!
Arrived in Melb around 11.45pm. And Larry, Hhmm.., one of Jen's 'best buddy' picked us up. Nice move! Back to reality. I actually missed my housemates a lot, I guess they were too. They missed their 'stupid' housemate who always talk to her puppy-dog-pet-doll called M.O.C.O..Haha..

Overall, I love this easter break.

:June

<10.03.2006> Lights..

It's assessment period. This week, I will have 1 test and 1 exam. One Economics test and Accounting exam. Before the easter break starting this Friday. Indeed, things seem to better these days. I am in the progress of overcoming the 'difficulties' I've encountered. Last Saturday, I went to RIALTO, the tallest building in Melbourne @ 525 Collins street. It was awesome! Actually it was the surprise present to one of my friend who had his birthday on the next day =) It felt good that I could actually fulfill his dream to go there and view the entire Melbourne city. U can see everything. From Dockland, Crown casino, Port Melbourne and so on. The best spot for tourist..I would say!

Anyway..Despite the stress I had last Thursday with the un-collaborative group mates, there was some happy times. Bumped into Gavin, my big brother, at Collins street. We ended up having hot-choco at Brunetti, on Swanston street. Though the weather was darn cold. Went to ACMI to see the free exhibition of the 'contemporary commonwealth'. ALl I can say, art is an abstract thing for anyone to understand. At night, went out with Jennifer and Shannon. Ate dinner at the Lounge and we specially ordered the mango Pizza..hhmm..Yum! And went to a bar Jen promise us. The 'Long Room'. Too crowded, I have to say. But it was good. The feeling in there was just 'fabulous'! ONe thing I have to say, it's annoying when I don't know what drink to order whenever I am asked =( Left early at around 9.30 pm though. I got to know a new girl, called Sasha (correct me if I am wrong, Jen)..It's weird when sometimes I can just chat as though I know her before. Oups.. Will go to spend Easter break at Sydney, with Jen and Shannon. Thank them for the free ticket. Am sure I will so enjoy my semester break before I resume the semester a week after. =)

:June

Share your love without holding back

What's best when U are in love is to show it without holding back. Not to appear pathetic coz the other person doesn't love U back, or maybe not as much as U do..but at least, by showing it, you are not restained by your own feeling. In my life, I've known somebody very special. All he knows is to love that 'someone' unconditionally. To be there, as an absolute good friend, when the girl he used to like (maybe likes) needs him. Not judgemental. All he knows is to share his love without always questioning/asking the girl to love him back. That's unconditional. There are a lot of 'maybe-s'..Yet, he stays there. Either an admirer or good friend, they both are good. Maybe they are what people call 'soulmates'.

Last week, I was down till I went to seek professional help. Felt so down and hopeless. Now..I am stronger. WHy is that? I guess, I just need to be. Only becoz things didn't work out the way I wish they could have been. Therefore, I 'suffer' from the disappointments. Maybe. Have to take it the way it is..coz that's how I learn to survive. Some people may look at me and say I have no passion or goals in my life..Maybe I don't (Yet). Why do I love to compare myself with others? I know what I am doing..I know maybe I am not until that stage where I am in the work environment. Am not making any excuses for myself..but maybe the time is not right yet. SO..all I need to do is to enjoy and do the best I can, not wasting any second of my life. At the same time, try to sketch my future with this remote-canvas.

:June

Never was

Not yet fully-'recovered'. I find it hard to concentrate on my study lately. Though it was nice to have a brief chat with my mum yesterday, this happiness fades away when the conversation ended. Back to reality.

'I never was'.
Been through this unreal situation where I think I was something. Thought I am part of something important in others' life, yet I am not. I thought I was, but I never were. Why do I have this thrist of being 'included'? I should just tell myself, 'come on! Wake Up!'. There are bitter and sweet in every situation. SOmetimes I am so 'excluded' from something that I wish I would have been 'included' in..which turns me down. I thought, I am never someone who can light the fire..
But, there are times when I feel, I am much appreciated as a good friend (for certain people). Like one of my friend who had his Bday last Thurs, called me and asked me to join him for a drink...NICE!

'I thought I can help myself'
It turns out..I can't! I am trying to tell myself..I can compromise..I wish. It's hard to let go something that I don't want to let go. When I think I have everything people could have wish for..I realise, I own all those artificial things but never get something that I really need in my life. I never love myself enough..I never love somebody else enough..I never do enough for anyone. I am aiming for a reward, thus all these left me with disappointment! Which I wish..

:June