What had happened.
My life hasn't been any worse. Life is never easy. Maybe I am getting closer to the time when I have to really decide what's next in my own life. To be responsible, I guess, that's one of my biggest fear. Fear of not being able to handle things in my life by myself. I know, as I grow older, I will have this responsibility, whether I like it or not. But, it's hard when I have to do it alone. I hate having people worrying about me, coz it makes me feel that I am not capable to be in control of my life. But at the same time, I always hope for that support from those I love.
Last week, exactly on Sunday evening, I had a serious talk with my mum. It is regarding the course I am doing now. I have been thinking a lot before I called her that night. I could not cope with the fact that I am not doing well in Accounting. Maybe I should just try to work harder. But the more I try, the more I realise, it's not something that I like, honestly. I never picture myself in the future to be an accountant. I am doing it, for the sake of getting a title of Permanent Recidency in Australia. Worth it? Accounting is seriously too out-of-my-interest. I know I should not have make any excuses, coz I have decided to take this course. When I decided, that meant that I have agreed to commit with this course, and would do my best. There is a conflict in me now though. Should I be doing something that I like, something that I am passionate in. Or should I be doing something that is good for my future or that can sort of guarantee my future (maybe in the workforce). I never know where I will end up in. Will I go back for good? I hope not. Would U agree with me if I say 'people should be doing something that they like, not something that they should have like or people expect them to be doing'? I have had a thought of changing my course back to Communication, or something more dynamic, something like what's in media industry.e.g: mtv. I told mum about this thought. As always, she can't never object, coz what she always want is us to be happy with that we are doing. She is not the type that will force her children to do something for the sake of her expectation. That's why, I feel so guilty. In a way, I will have wasted one semester if I do change my course in semester two. Meaning, in some way, I have wasted their money too, though I can't totally say it's a waste. But I could have avoided this. I feel terribly sorry. I feel guilty for being indecisive (again). I feel useless. My dream is to make them be proud of their children and I am now risking this dream of mine. Am I taking them for granted? I haven't done enough. I cried on that night.
At the same time,I have this concern. I won't want my mum and dad to spend their money on me, more and more, when my brother is coming to Melb soon for his Uni. He would be staying for at least 4 years which means more money to be spent on their children overseas. I hate to be the burden. I love to help my brother. I want to be here when he arrives. I want to be able to 'provide' him with what he might need. Though I know, he is old enough to be independent without me. But, I never want him to feel the same way that I felt 3 years ago. I just wish, I can be there for him. I want him to have the same oppotunity too, to study overseas.
The past few weeks, I have also been struggling with group work. The good news is, I am done with them tonight. I had 2 presentations. One was on Wed, and one was tonight. Nothing worse than not being able to be in control of the work U are doing. Not that I am control freak, but I love to be on-time. If something is assigned to be done by certain time, it should be. It stressed me out when all my group members are kinda those last minute people. Maybe it works for them, I respect that. But definitely not for me. To compromise all the time is tiring. Lucky that I have some help. One of the group members, whose spoken English is not good (he claims), has helped me a lot. I guess, he had his own way of doing thing. And surprisingly, I have to admit, he helped me a lot for the last project we had. At least, he never act fool like the other two.
What's in me right now?. I can't describe what I am feeling right now. The worse time of my life. Nothing seems to work the way it should have been, or I wish it could have been. What is ideal, I really don't have a clue. Do I need people to understand me, the way I think, the way I act, the way I do things..to make my life complete? To have people understand what I do the way I do it, apparently is kinda impossible. To have people agree with the thought I have is also rare. I am a weirdo. The tendency to compromise and to try understand people, putting myself into their shoes before accusing them or blaming them for something that's considered 'not right' in my mind, gets me into frustration most of the time. And try to make people understand why I do that is also an extreme torture. Though sometimes I do feel my friends around me are giving me their love, but still this 'too-good-to-be-true' happening is turning into something else, normally quite the opposite after a while.
Few notes:
What if I say I am still waiting. The sad thing is, I still am.
:June
Last week, exactly on Sunday evening, I had a serious talk with my mum. It is regarding the course I am doing now. I have been thinking a lot before I called her that night. I could not cope with the fact that I am not doing well in Accounting. Maybe I should just try to work harder. But the more I try, the more I realise, it's not something that I like, honestly. I never picture myself in the future to be an accountant. I am doing it, for the sake of getting a title of Permanent Recidency in Australia. Worth it? Accounting is seriously too out-of-my-interest. I know I should not have make any excuses, coz I have decided to take this course. When I decided, that meant that I have agreed to commit with this course, and would do my best. There is a conflict in me now though. Should I be doing something that I like, something that I am passionate in. Or should I be doing something that is good for my future or that can sort of guarantee my future (maybe in the workforce). I never know where I will end up in. Will I go back for good? I hope not. Would U agree with me if I say 'people should be doing something that they like, not something that they should have like or people expect them to be doing'? I have had a thought of changing my course back to Communication, or something more dynamic, something like what's in media industry.e.g: mtv. I told mum about this thought. As always, she can't never object, coz what she always want is us to be happy with that we are doing. She is not the type that will force her children to do something for the sake of her expectation. That's why, I feel so guilty. In a way, I will have wasted one semester if I do change my course in semester two. Meaning, in some way, I have wasted their money too, though I can't totally say it's a waste. But I could have avoided this. I feel terribly sorry. I feel guilty for being indecisive (again). I feel useless. My dream is to make them be proud of their children and I am now risking this dream of mine. Am I taking them for granted? I haven't done enough. I cried on that night.
At the same time,I have this concern. I won't want my mum and dad to spend their money on me, more and more, when my brother is coming to Melb soon for his Uni. He would be staying for at least 4 years which means more money to be spent on their children overseas. I hate to be the burden. I love to help my brother. I want to be here when he arrives. I want to be able to 'provide' him with what he might need. Though I know, he is old enough to be independent without me. But, I never want him to feel the same way that I felt 3 years ago. I just wish, I can be there for him. I want him to have the same oppotunity too, to study overseas.
The past few weeks, I have also been struggling with group work. The good news is, I am done with them tonight. I had 2 presentations. One was on Wed, and one was tonight. Nothing worse than not being able to be in control of the work U are doing. Not that I am control freak, but I love to be on-time. If something is assigned to be done by certain time, it should be. It stressed me out when all my group members are kinda those last minute people. Maybe it works for them, I respect that. But definitely not for me. To compromise all the time is tiring. Lucky that I have some help. One of the group members, whose spoken English is not good (he claims), has helped me a lot. I guess, he had his own way of doing thing. And surprisingly, I have to admit, he helped me a lot for the last project we had. At least, he never act fool like the other two.
What's in me right now?. I can't describe what I am feeling right now. The worse time of my life. Nothing seems to work the way it should have been, or I wish it could have been. What is ideal, I really don't have a clue. Do I need people to understand me, the way I think, the way I act, the way I do things..to make my life complete? To have people understand what I do the way I do it, apparently is kinda impossible. To have people agree with the thought I have is also rare. I am a weirdo. The tendency to compromise and to try understand people, putting myself into their shoes before accusing them or blaming them for something that's considered 'not right' in my mind, gets me into frustration most of the time. And try to make people understand why I do that is also an extreme torture. Though sometimes I do feel my friends around me are giving me their love, but still this 'too-good-to-be-true' happening is turning into something else, normally quite the opposite after a while.
Few notes:
What if I say I am still waiting. The sad thing is, I still am.
:June
posted by June at 11:15 PM
2 comments
