the Unspoken

Helo. 1st after 3 years off.

2010-07-07T10:29:00.003+10:00

Dear You.
Just realised I have been busy with life outside virtual connection for almost 3 years now. Dunno who still reading this blog. Anyway...welcome back.
Life be normal, no more Uni life since 2008. Now work as Education Counsellor (going 2 years). And still waiting for my Permanent Residency to be approved by Department of Immigration and Citizenship Australia (Pray hard everyday).
Ups and downs..and I still survive. Just believe in me and I will have everything settled one day.

Love,
June

Those who inspire me

2007-10-24T17:54:00.000+10:00

This is the post dedicated to those people who have inspired me (still do). I might not know some of them in person, but they earn my admiration.

:Denise Keller: She is one of the MTV Asia VJs. I always look up at those people who are comfortable with themselves. The life like a VJ will be like a dream comes true. Great job which offers great opportunities to travel, meet new people, socialize, and be part of the global citizen. Passionate, loveable, admireable, great personality, and great communicators, I guess I envy her (in a good motivating way though).

:Rose Desu: A friend that I hardly talk to. She is from Medan, like me. Secretly, I always browsed her creations through the internet. And secretly I have build this wish that one day I can be as creative, as fashionably fabulous like her. She is a friend's friend, and I doubt she remembers me. Nevertheless, I admire her. Her artistic photography also inspire me. She makes me believe that, you can actually shine with what you believe in regardless of the environment that bring you up till this point. Have faith in what you are doing, you'll success, although people around you might doubt your competencies.

:My Mum: Though sometimes, especially now, we have slight disagreements, I love you regardless. I realise one thing, people do change. I am, of course, not who I was 4 years ago. I know what I want, and I won't compromise others as much as I used to back then. Thus, I hope that this kinda new attitudes won't change my relationship with my family, especially my mum and dad.

:Those who hurt me, but have me learn something from the pain: Nothing much to say here. Maybe, to you, this will sound like 'blah blah blah'..but I do want to thank those who came to my life, and then went away from my life. I've learnt the good and the bad, I've been through the best and the worst time..and if not because of those, I will not BE where I am now. Nobody is perfect, including me. Thus, as what I often do, I close the old chapter, and I have open a new chapter of my life.

:June

Don't want to just into conclusion

2007-10-17T13:41:00.001+10:00

I have been really busy with group assignments, and eventually individual assignments. Sometimes I wonder, how would I cope with heaps of errands when I am really in the workforce. Will I go crazy? I am sure, heaps of compromises needed to be made by the other party. Of course, it will be too naive to think that it will go smooth. I can only hope it could be stable.

It is nearly the end of the semester, the end of the year..and what's happening? Planning to go back to Indo in December, and if things go well in this trip, next year will be a whole new experience. Whatever the plans are, I pray for the best. And I hope that everything goes in a slightly predictable way.

:June

Whataver you like

2007-08-25T17:56:00.000+10:00

Emotionally unstable. One day, I can be sooo flattered and happy, and one day I can be mentally drained. I need to be in control of my emotions. I am always in control of the things I want to be in control of, but now, I seem to slowly lose the grip. Can't let that happen though. My Uni has started, 3 weeks have gone so quickly. I am still catching up with the weekly readings. I really want to do good this time. Can't effort any failure. My future plan need to be strategically planned this time. And No more game playing. Need to achieve the goals in life. Not gonna let anybody screw my plans. Slowly, I will get whatever I have been procastinating.

Inability to communicate sometimes frustrates me. There is a slight potential of mis-trust, mis-understanding, mis-judgement, and so on. "confused with what to/NOT to do..to be/NOT to be part of..to/NOT to move forward" (anonymous, 2007)

NB: Beautiful Lily in the beautiful vase in your house, nicely located close to the window so that it gets the constant sunshine to stay alive, significantly it needs regular watering system by the owner to blossom in upcoming spring.

:June

Cynicism

2007-08-12T15:16:00.000+10:00

There are things which need to be done, and they are done.
Finally, I moved in to the new apartment at Docklands. Now I have my own room, and my brother has his. The whole process had been frustrating. often, I jumped into my own conclusions and I got pissed off. Now I know, I can never depend on anybody BUT myself. However, there are still things that are not quite right yet in this new apartment. My housemate is still staying with me and my Bro. Temporarily he stays in the living room until he finds his new place. Thus, it isn't a ideal home I would have imagined it to be. Well...I hope it is soon, then I could really have it the way I want it to be.

I have been cynical too lately. I have changed. I couldn't care less about others who don't really care about how to value others. If they demand something, I could do the same thing too, can't I? I will not let others make me think that I am less good as a friend, as a sister, as a housemate, as an ex (gf or housemate), or as a friend's friend, etc. I remember once (or actually few occassions) when people tell me that I need to stand up for myself, be more firm, and do not let other 'dominate' me. When I think about it, it's true. I don't have to be nasty, I just have to have others respect your decisions. At this point, I realise, there is no point to keep trying to keep others happy, because no one can please everybody. Often, you will have disappointed somebody else. As long as I've tried your best to please them, aligning this attempt with what I feel like doing, it's good enough. It is hard to retain relationship. Thus, if I have tried, and it doesn't work with them, it's their lost.
(PS: 12.08.07)

:June

In a Garage

2007-07-08T19:34:00.000+10:00

Guess where I am now, am in a garage. Am learning how to help in the garage, maybe. Just like a dejavu. I have always like cars, but I never know anything about car, plus I hardly drive (at least not for the past 4 years), but I never imagine myself spending time in a real garage. It is all in the movie I watch, eg. the HK movie Legend of Speed, and the American Fast and Furious, where I started my interest about cars. Assembling or re-assembling cars look like a cool job. Though I am sure, no one will look up at a panel beater compared to an CEO. Everyone might think, the better job is when you sit in an office instead of having the oil all over your hands. But I guess, everyone aims for the same thing, earn a living and the most important is to enjoy what they are doing for their life. "It's not about what I can do, but what I will do" (Kyle maynard). Thus, I believe, people with attributes are not necessarily good with what they do or what they can do. A more important point, I reckon, is the will to make something real based on their ability or capacity, their knowledge, their passion, their interest, Because..one will try their best and put the extra effort for something they enjoy doing and feel confident about. Agree?

I am still in holiday. Uni will start next month. Once Uni starts, my last semester indeed, I will probably struggle with my time. Well, priority is priority. What occupy me, this July, are Volunteer works with Champions (the Melbourne Racing Museum), People Outdoors (helping people with disability), Looking for a new apartment (have to move by the end of July, YAY!), part time at Nandos (yeah, still), plus garage.

:June

I am now 22

2007-07-02T19:03:00.000+10:00

Love is the grandest of choices.
When I looked back what I had last year, when I was 21, I realised I had so much to learn from. From one special person to another special then un-so-special person. From life with a bit drama to one with less drama.

Recently, I have made and done a lot of new (and Major) things that I have never imagined myself I would have done. I believe I have changed. Still the same person yet I have changed, and in a good way I guess. Often I cared too much about what others think and tried to aligned my ways of doing things with them. Outsiders do influence the way I think and act indeed. Often there is this need of justifying my doings with others' way of perceiving things. However, it doesn't always work nicely. Life is about compromises, especially with your loved ones/family.

I wonder, is that the way it is that once you have someone special, you'll automatically be a bit distant from the friends you hang out with. Is that the fair trade-off? Can you have both, or is it either one or another? Another discussion I have with my friends about how it supposed to be, I guess, all I want is that No one to be left alone or feeling left out.

All the beautiful things that you've given me have me treasure them. The moments are as important as the people who create the moments. I wish, everyone has the same faith as I have.
Question. Do you care more about what you get from others, or instead maybe what you have given others?

Delete

2007-06-12T20:15:00.002+10:00

I just did. I deleted all the messages that I unconsciously kept in my mobile phone. It became the junk of meaningless messages now. I have never regretted anything that happened in my life though, they are all lessons in life I supposed. Of course, when I was sad and experiencing bad time, maybe I felt like hell and I hated life so much, but I am over it now. I can wake up early in the morning, have my hot-chocolate-with-marsmallow at Gloria Jeans while reading the papers/magazines. I can spend my weekends with people who love to spend time with me, and the weekends are just meaningful, not wasted waiting for the 'supposed to be happening on the weekend' things with whoever I wish it could have before. Anyway..I am not wasting no more time.

This blows me away
"Not fit you into my life, but be part of my life.... We are so attached because we choose to be...."

:June

The point of no return

2007-06-06T20:44:00.000+10:00

Dear: You
I've passed the point of no return. I've moved on, and I am grateful. Not a boy but a man. Not a dream but reality. Now I can live with no fear, no fear of having the obligation to please others, but making both parties happy equally. Now, everything is balanced and genuine. It is mutual and it is for real. I have passed the point of no return. Mutual respect. Not 'invincibility' but acknowledgement. Sincerity. Genuine care. Willingness to spend time together doing nothing. Need not feel uneasy in expressing myself indeed. Now I can frankly say, maybe you are 'The best I've ever had!'

Today, A very Happy Birthday to Irene! Love you and wish you all the best!

:June

Do you do what you say?

2007-06-01T22:35:00.001+10:00

It's the 1st day of June. Been waiting for this month to come, though sometimes there is no point of reminiscence at this time. Everything was sweet and nice, yet it turned to be hurtful. But I survive. A mature real relationship is yet to come.

Dear: You
Someone unique, maybe that' what everybody look for in a person. When you decide to go out with that someone, what do you look at? Whether this someone is special, or this someone treat you special. A bit of both? I guess, everytime you meet someone new, you will have this dilemma. You will definitely compare to the last person who filled your life. Or the last person that disappointed you. It's natural, isn't it? Everything happens for a reason, I believe. I am so grateful that I could stand up again today. I am through with my past. Valuable lessons are the results. I am expecting the unexpected, and the unexpected indeed happens. I am NOT going to let the same mistake happen. Someone new, someone who is just so significantly different, often attentively listen, and maturely wise..we shall see where we are heading without progressing by leaps and bounds.

One of my best-est friends, used to be my best room mate, Vita, is leaving Melbourne for good soon. I am gonna miss her soooo much. She is my ultimate mental support. I got to really know her only for the last 2 years, but it feels like forever. And I am sure it will turn out to be the 'forever-investment'. I just wish her the best, I truly do. I sincerely do not envy her with whatever she has but I don't. Maybe this is how you treasure your friend. There is no judgements but objective supports (sometimes subjective..Haha). Anyway, the birthday dinner at Yarra River, on the boat, with the unforgettable ambience and beautiful songs by Michael Buble, hopefully can be the something to be remembered for all of us.

:June

Unfortunately, it has to..

2007-05-27T00:42:00.000+10:00

Sometimes it is best to not have any expectations. When you expect something, it doesn't happen the way you wish it could have, you get disappointments. I guess that's what happens. I thought, the relationships I have built, regardless what kind of relationship, often break. The effort I have put in seems worthless. Some people just don't understand me, or maybe I don't understand them. Or maybe no one is putting enough effort. Maybe lately I have been judgemental, cynical and often sarcastic to people. I guess, it's time to say "Enough is enough!" If the consequence to the arguments/disagreements is the lost of relationship, maybe that's the way it is. The tirade needs to be revealed. And I am sorry if I could not turn back time and fix it. When it has to happen, it has to.
The way you treat people is the way people will treat you back.

Only 20%?
Good Boys, Bad Boys, Good Girls, Bad Girls. Once I was told, I can only give my 20% of trust. Does age matter? If he/she is older, does that mean he/she is possibly more mature than others who are younger? Not necessarily I guess.

Dear You
Do not see, do not know, do not want to know, do not care. Thus, do not communicate.
I've forgotten the last time I talked to you.

:June

Back..

2007-05-23T22:10:00.000+10:00

Finally..I can blog again. Now that I figure out how to actually log in again to my account..I don't have a lot to say.

The enchantment is gone. I realise, I can't hope and I can't have lots of expectations on people. All I get is disappointment. I can never depend on anybody else but myself..as I always do.

:June

Someone

2007-04-16T23:59:00.002+10:00

Someone, I need you. I need you who can always tell me that everything's going to be fine. Someone who genuinely cares, who comforts and always calms me down. Someone who can give me the answers to all my questions and doubts in life. Someone who leads me instead of misleads me. Someone who I look up to. Someone who will say 'I can be bothered to..' Someone who would be there although it's 3am in the morning. Someone who instead of judging me, but understanding my position. Someone who knows how I feel and what I think without me telling. Someone who knows what to say and how to say it, without faking it. Someone who I can count on unconditionally. Someone who will (oneday) become my someone..

:June

untitled

2007-04-11T23:44:00.000+10:00

Not appreciated, abandoned, burdened with responsibilities, disappointed, misled, taken for granted, taken advantages from, blah blah blah..

Once I said, I would not want to lose you. Now, I would rather lose you than my world.

And if I were to turn back time, I would rather go back to the old time where I didn't need to worry about the things I am worrying now. I know it's not an optimistic way of thinking, but if only I were. There are all the things that I have to fix now, and they ain't easy. And all the un-discussed and un-agreed arrangements. People's expectations on me, which I often can't take no more. I need to be on my own, for quite a while (selfishly said).

:June

Dear You

2007-04-10T08:41:00.000+10:00

Dear You

I don't know when you come into my life, but I am now scared. I am scared of another misleading, another disappointment, another mis-interpretation, and I don't want to fall for you. Expectations are disasters sometimes..thus, I am asking myself to fade away from you. Restraining the feeling from growing cause I know, maybe you are worth it. And I don't wanna lose you as I lose others. Despite the ultimate difference we have that we can't possibly align, I still have that 'wish'. I wish you happiness in Sept. And I promise I will be strong.

3 years, another come-s and bye-s, just another number.

:June

It's either too full or too hungry

2007-03-29T08:46:00.000+10:00

Dear: You

Came back last week from my 11days trip to KL and Singapore, it was something to treasure. I have always say, it's not a holiday trip for me, I even brought my books with me..oups. I called it 'business trip' where I met people who I want to meet, great poeple. Have to thank them for the great time I had. Although I have to say, during the holiday, I have worries and doubts that I could hardly handle/hide everyday. However, I treasure every moment I have people I care about.

Either too full or too hungry..that's the deal with the trip. Not sure of why, but I guess, coz I would love to spare some money to shop rather than for food. I wonder, is that what girls do? Was that what I did? Hmm..not at all. I guess, when you are travelling, you really exercise the time you have. Here and there, then at the end of the day,"I am hungry and I think I need to eat".

The first few days I spent with Irene and Family. I felt like home, that's how welcomed I've felt. What I also love most is the different experiences everyday. Irene planned where to go each day, love them all. Shopping was never my priority, at least not in this trip, BUT the time I spent with friends+sister WAS. Anyway, Thanks Irene babe! For everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. The accomodation, the food, the car, the time, the arrangement, the patience, the whole trip basically. You've always been great! *hugsssss*
(Nb: Sister, thank you! Maybe I never say this out loud, but I do love you regardless)

When I was in Singapore,I stayed with Gavin for the first 2 nights, and he has been amazing too. He (has always) been the big brother who just know when to do what. Protective Brother still. I wish you all the greatest things in life, regardless. There was this one night when he bought us to Clarke Quay (like Crown complex in Melbourne) where all the entertainments are located including bars and restaurants. Went to 4 bars('Clinic', 'Fashion Bar', 'Bar FLy' and I forget the last one) in one night, and had 4 different drinks in one night too. I was still sober till the end of the night though. Met up with Stephani too. She has been the most unexpectedly great person indeed. I wasn't expecting her to be 'available' to bring us around, but she did. Really appreciate it too!

One thing about me, I realise how much I like to be by myself sometimes. I love peaceful night, although sometimes it can make me 'think too much and worry too much'. I didn't shop in Singapore. No more money to spend on shopping, online on transport and meals I guess. I didn't want to exchange my last AUS$20, but in the end I did (coz I saw something I wanted to give to someone, and it worths buying too). Anyway, Thanks Fadhilah for letting me stay with you for few days although you have got work and Uni to do. A very special Congratulations too to Jeanne, the 'old' friend =). Love to see your exhibition those days, and I had great time. Thanks for walking me to the Station that last day I met you..wish you all the best. And If U were to come here, some day, Do let me know!

Had a few problems and issues in my mind though during my trip. But it's all now fixed and cleared. SO..I shall move on. People make choices, and I think I've made mind.

:June

I still love you

2007-02-28T12:24:00.000+11:00

Hi Blog. I haven't been blogging in this blog recently. Been occupied with catch up and other commitment, but then I think, I shouldn't abandon my own blog.

Anyway, some updates:
-I started Uni again yesterday, it's always a great feeling when I start a new thing, although I have to admit, during the self-introduction session in class, while waiting for my turn to introduce myself, I had butterflies in stomach.

-I am currently working on a project (I would love to make it sound more professional than it might be..HAha). A new friend of mine, who appears to be the best man in the wedding I went to earlier this month, has asked me a favor to contribute in his website. What I need to do is to write in the blog section. What I love most of this idea is I actually have the freedom to write anything I like, and it's acknowledged (by whoever's reading).

-Struggling with my feeling at the moment. I am happy yet I have this doubts. Can anyone convince me or tell me 'June, everything's gonna be OK'..?

-I had few disagreements, dramas, conflicts last week with my friends, people I love. It was so stressing. Stronger, that's all it will make me..ALways have this questions about 'take and give' that applies in any friendship or any kind of relationship..

:June

Once in a while I...

2007-02-20T18:26:00.000+11:00

When you want something to work out, you need the effort. And if the effort is only one way, it can hardly work. I feel like, all the things i build, all the things i've done to make people happy but myself is bringing me down soon.

My Chinese New Year this year wasn't that bad. Although I didn't have the chance to spend it with the family back in Indo, I am glad that I spent it with my "family' in Melbourne. On the night before the Chinese New Year, we all had this Steam-boat at QV. My beloved extended QV family, my little Brother who is now already 18, and my plus-one. We didn't start the dinner until 9.15pm because one of the QV people, Dina, worked that night. And everyone decided to wait for her. =) That what I love about QV. We share love. When we need to be flexible, when we need to compromise and maybe sometimes make sacrifices, we do. All these will last only for a while. Some people are planning to go back for good after their graduation this year. And QV people will have to move too when their contract for the least of that apartment finishes. All I wanna do now is Cherish every moments I have with these people who become my 'family'.

Anyway, on the Chinese New Year, I went to temple in the morning. I wish it's my self-initiative, but it's actually not. HHmm...actually it's 50 50. HHmm..in the afternoon, the QV people and some friends went to have lunch at Dragon boat . We ate Yum Cha. I love the gathering. I love the atmosphere, not so much the glamour of this CNY celebration. On that day, it was too hot to go out after the Yum Cha. Thus, we ended up in QV, enjoyed the Air-Con, and just spent time chatting, hanging out with friends. I made a lot of phone calls too. I called up my mum and dad (sister too), a few times actually, but they sounded like not to into phonecalls...anyways, I called up my GrandPa too. Hope he is feeling better now after the last-week-unpleasant incident. I called up some close friends too. I hope everyone well back in Indo. Jeanne, i'll see you in March when I go to Singapore...miss u! Indeed, I do miss all the family gathering and all the cookies on CNY...

Life in general sucks. I never know that i would ask for a 'payback' or let's call it 'something in return'. Am I bad then? hhmm..I feel that no one has really appreciated what i've done. Let's not translate the previous statement literally. I mean, I just feel that I haven't done enough to be 'acknowledged'. I seldom feel the 'take and give' from some people, or should I just stop expecting them to? I feel that, all I've done is good enough, but it's never good enough in others' eyes. The apartment I live in is never 'good' enough to make my Bro want to spend most of his time in the house. The way I try to compromise other people's opinion never seem to be good enough to make them understand that I hate argument. And when I stand up for my voice, my opinion, it actually makes the other party unhappy with my doing which I hate. There are just too much of "well, June will be OK with this, she wouldn't have said No, she wouldn't have minded.." Or maybe I am just being too sensitive of all the things around me. I hate it too when people take me for granted. Just because I don't express my anger/upset all the time, that doesn't mean I do have them.

Dear you: ..don't wanna lose you now..

:June

Quick post when my Bro's showering

2007-02-06T18:04:00.000+11:00

Great birthday, great guests!
Last Saturday was my little Bro's 18th Birthday...HAha..now he is officially 'legal'. We reserved a restaurant, Wagamama, with Japanese cuisine served. HHmm.It's OK. I didn't remember the taste of the food though, coz I was busy making sure that everyone was OK with their meals and if they enjoyed their time. HHmm..As always happen, I worry too much sometimes. HAhaa..anyway, There were 15 people including some of Jef's (my Bro) friends, the beloved QV people, housemate, Me and Shanen. (Dear Shanen: ..Thanks soooo much..) ANyway, on the night, my Bro was 'bullied', it was what they claimed as 'Sabo'. HHmm...He got tied to a chair, and basically idle and couldn't go anywhere. And the fun part was having him 'unable to do anything but keep cool', people started to draw some make up on his face. Hahaha...I pitied him, but at the same time I enjoyed the 'show'. Coz although I would want to stop them from 'bullying' my Bro, I really couldn't do anything (there were way too many people). Anyway, Happy Birthday Bro! Wish U older yet wiser!

Sunday night, 4th Feb, I went to have a little picnic at Fitzroy garden. There was a free Latin dance show. Hhmm..invented by Jen. There were heaps more people than the last time I went with Jen, Shannon and Sandy. Anyway, it's always fun. As always, I went to Nandos to get some 1/2 price chickens =) Jen brought some wine too, which is nice though I couldn't drink. HHm..That night, there were me, Jen, her Mum and Shannon. I love the company. Always like to cherish the moment as though I spend it with my own 'family'.

QV update.
Lately, my Bro is back to QV again, after the long journey of 'seeing his someone'. I am happy that he is back, but at the same time, I hope no one is hurt/sad about this drastic change. All I want to say, it's good when you have a 'balanced' life between family and friends. So, no one is taking anyone for granted. I am grateful to know that I never sort of really 'fight' or confront my Bro at the wrong time. Coz I know it will probably turn out to be a real disaster in the Bro-Sis relationship if I 'scold' him everytime he 'disappoints' me. HHmm...QV people are so like a family to me here in Melb. I can't thank them enough everytime they are always there when I need them, and everytime I need people to 'look after' my Bro.

:June

I tell myself..

2007-01-28T01:04:00.000+11:00

Dear you..
It's about you. I tell myself..I want to BE good enough, and I want to TRY hard enough to be Good enough.

:June

Happy Birthday Sister!

2007-01-26T21:11:00.000+11:00

Happy Birthday to you, beloved sister. Everyone gets 'a bit' older everyday, don't they? HAha..including me. I hope this birthday can be one of your memorable birthdays again. Only if I can be there to celebrate with you like I was last year..anyway, best wishes for you. Hope you enjoy the ultimate happiness everyime you celebrate your birthday. (NB: Everyone actually celebrate with you here, in Melb, coz apparently it's a public holiday->Australian Day tho, Hhaha...)

:June

19 out of 10

2007-01-23T00:11:00.000+11:00

20 Jan, I had a bad day. I was soo pissed off. At work (Nandos) and at home too. Not to mention that lately my Bro hasn't been spending 'his' time in the house/home. Everyone can ignore me, but not my family. I know, maybe I am selfish (please do give comment about this, readers!). HHmm..Maybe I am too conservative or not a 'cool' sister to him. I always have this expectation that we would at least spend time in a day for a dinner, I hope so. Maybe, I enherit this from home. Back in Indo, the only time where everyone, the 5 of us (Mum, Dad, Me, Sis and Bro) can sit and catch up after long busy day is Dinner time. So..everyone is expected to show up. Unless, there is other 'noticed' committments. So, I do expect my Bro to do the same 'tradition' here, in Melb, while we are still living in the same house, I suppose. But, maybe it's just my 'over-demanding' expectation to him. At least, if he is not going to have dinner, please do inform me with his own consciousness...not when I call and ask if he is coming home for dinner (almost everyday). HHmm..Deep in me, I only need a 1 hour dinner time to spend with him..That's all. The good thing is, Today, I didn't wait for him. I cook. And I cook for myself..not for him. They(my Bro and Jackson, my housemate) can eat the meal later, when they are hungry (coz I always cook a junk of meal)...Anyway, I am trying to NOT make this 'not eating dinner at home' issue as an issue. Coz I am trying to compromise.

Anyway, about that Saturday..I had a bad shift at work. But Lucky, someone called me that day (from far far away)..and it just made my day again. Xie xie =) Anyway, I guess, sometimes people like to take me for granted. And I hate knowing that. I am not angel. I do mistakes too. But I wish, people are not that cynical about this. And some friends just keep hurting me though I have tried many times to make it up to them. I guess, I just have to think that, they are not those friends that I can count on. They don't appreciate me, and can't be there for my goods and bads. So..I will just let it be. Currently, I love my part time job, coz I feel secure. But if I find a better job, I will definitely go for it. Don't really care about the pay, coz I need Experiences more than anything..don't I?

These days, I pretty much still in holiday. It's kinda boring. I wish I could have enrolled in any of the summer courses, or short courses. Coz I feel soooooooooo 'guilty' waking up late every morning. I need something to look forward to each day. Something that can triggers me to wake up 'on time' each morning..Or should I just enjoy this time till I start UNi again next month. Coz once it starts, life won't be that 'easy' no more. No more relaxing weeks for catch up or do random things.

So far, 4 pcmsg, 3 phcl.
And it's now 19 out of 10.

:June

(#2) Dear:You

2007-01-14T23:18:00.000+11:00

Dear You (in Melbourne)
I hope you have a great birthday this year. Though actually it's not until the 17th Jan=) I am glad to see you face last Saturday when I passed you the DVD set (Remember..your happiness worths more than the $$). I know, it hasn't been easy lately, especially ever since the confession is made. Anyway, I hope this helps us realise friendship is never smooth. I hope..we both can survive and treasure this friendship more. Though sometimes it can be shockingly unpredictable. Love you!

Dear You (in Melbourne)
I hope that you are well. As much as I love you as a buddy, sometimes, I am sick of you too. Haha..just kidding. What an experience I would say. Not until you really live with someone then you know how they actually live their life, all the goodS and badS are revealed..oups! I am glad with the 'family' I have now. Those people around me who share LOVE and CARE. I hope everything with the PR application will go well..and everything will be less complicated. Will always wish you all the best.

Dear You (in Melbourne)
"You...give me something"
I treasure everything we have. Though maybe it's still too soon to say so..but I am happy. Thank you for being there, You've assured me that I can actually stand still. I tell myself, 'Expect the Unexpected'.

Great song..
"In Santa Monica, in the winter time
The lazy streets so undemandingI walk into the crowd
In Santa Monica, you get your coffee from
The coolest places on the promenade
Where people dress just so
Beauty so unavoidable,everywhere you turn
It's there
I sit and wonder what am I doing here?
But on the telephone line I am anyone I am anything
I want to be
I could be a supermodel or Norman Mailer
And you wouldn't know the difference
Or would you?
..."

I love this song =P

:June

Love|Friendship

2007-01-12T20:39:00.000+11:00

"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. to handle yourself, use your head;to handle others, use your heart. anger is only one letter short of danger. if someone betrays you once, it is his fault; if he betrays you twice, it is your faults. great minds discuss people. he who loses money, loses much; he who loses a friend, loses much more; he who loses faith, loses all. beautiful young people are accidents to nature, but beautiful old peple are works of art; learn from the mistakes of others, you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. friends, you and me...you brought another friend...and then there were three...we started a group...our circle of friends..and like that circle...there is no beginning or end...yesterday is history. tomorrow is mystery. today is a gift, that's why they call it the present."
Anonymous

I love 2007..

2007-01-09T11:43:00.000+11:00

Hi. I realise I haven't been blogging for ages. It's been more than 1 month. Haven't even update all of us about my one month trip (or one month sleep) last November back in Indo. Or the Xmas and New Year I spent here in Melbourne with all the people I love. Been through lots of undesirable moments in my life..now I feel, I am alive again..

Let's start with the 1 month trip in Indo last November (or the 'one month sleep'). It was from 10Nov- 12Dec. I was actually invited to a friend's wedding party one day after my arrival, which was on the 11th November. Congratulations to Fenny and husband (I forgot his name)...oups. Coz I don't really know this guy. All I know is they have been dating ever since we were in high school. And the husband is 5 years older than my friend (meaning he might be 27). It's quite a shock when she invited me via Friendster. PS: good idea to send an e-wedding-invitation in the future..=). Anyway, we were never close friends..and who knows, she actually invited me to her wedding. Not until I went to the wedding that day then I realised, she had actually invited only a few of her high school friends. Apparently those high school friends invited were those who were close to her, then I felt a bit 'honoured' I was invited. =) Anyway, it's a good experience and it made me wonder, Who's next to invite me to their wedding. Apparently, I am going to another wedding this Feb. I will be one of the bridemaids. Congratulations to Alison and Gerard! A bit surprised, but I am happy for you both. Again, I felt so 'honoured' to be part of the wedding. I hope everything goes smooth and the reunion will not take too long.

There was an incident in November in my family. My grandma fell of the stairs and it was kinda serious. She lost heaps of blood, but lucky, there's no internal injuries. I thanked God for that. I was so worry, but I bet, my Mum was more worried than me. I know my mum, she is someone who takes care of everything, and as what my Dad always teases her, she is the 'prime minister' in the family. She is the source of information, and also the kinda decision maker..Anyway, I met almost everyone this time. Those who I rarely have a chance to meet everytime I go back to Indo for the past 3 years. OK..I met my oldest uncle (Ta ciu), oldest auntie (Ta Yi Ma), and young uncle (Wu ciu)->All of them live in Jakarta. Actually I met them in my Jakarta trip (17th Nov- 24th Nov). They all went to see my Grandma when I was living with my friend in Jkrt on the first 3 days of my stay in Jakarta. The rest 4 days, I spent it staying with my oldest uncle and his family. They were all nice. Really nice to me although we hardly really catch up or meet for the past few years. That's what I like about this family relationship we have. Everyone is just so 'welcoming' me. I feel so much love. When I came back from the 1 week holiday in Jakarta, I met another uncle, he is the 3rd uncle, the one that resembles my grandpa a lot. He got to check his feet too when he came to see my grandma. He lives in Irian Jaya, which is far away from Medan. (For those who is not familiar with Indonesia Geographic, let me explain a bit, Indonesia has 5 main islands. Medan is located at Sumatra island, on the west side of Indonesia. Jakarta is a city located in Java island, near Bali. And Irian Jaya is another island located on the east side of Indonesia. Thus, Sumatra and Irian Jaya is like the 'start' and the 'finish' line of Indonesia...Kinda).

A week in Jakarta...was OK. First of all, I went there to see some people who I really want to meet. Secondly, I intended to 'survey' the life there, who knows one day, I end up working there in the future. (This was the plan, but after the trip, I realise..I would not want to stay in Jkrt..Never again. To visit, Yes. To stay and live, No.) Anyway, briefly this trip made me realise that I can't live with the past. I need to move on. Though there might be moments from this trip that I might want to keep as memories, but I would just keep them as memories that I treasure. Someone who is important and always will be, someone from the past, someone that I treasure, I want to say Thank you for everything! That's all. I need this all as a closed chapter. I really think, we don't live in the past. We live in what's NOW and Future. So..I have to look forward. (PS: I thank someone who has indirectly convinces/directs me to think that I deserve a new start)

What else with my 1 month Indo trip?
- Everyday, the electricity went off for 4 hours. It's not only once per day though.
- My Grandma acting like a kid again, didn't want to eat and drink a lot with the excuse of not wanting to go to the
- I met my cute little dog, named 'pretty'..she is like my mum's 4th baby now. Mum won't be that lonely now.
- I met those people who are important to my life...I love you all!

Since I came back on the 12th December, everything has been surprisingly great. I have new laptop (coz the old laptop is really dead, else I wouldn't buy a new one on Boxing day). I have a new iPod too from my housemate, Jackson. He said it's a 'thank you' gift for me. My Bro bought me a printer too for Xmas (actually he is buying for himself too, indirectly). Now I am thinking, what am I gonna do with my old printer which is still in perfect condition? Also..I have someone very important in my life now...I am really happy.

Now..I am anticipating my trip to Kuala Lumpur and Singapore later in March. Can't say NO to free ticket, can I? HHmm..anyway, it will be a 10days trip. And I hope, I am 'well prepared' for the trip too.

That's all for now.

:June

Love you regardless

2006-11-06T17:21:00.000+11:00

I just want to say..I love you, Mum and Dad, regardless.
Although sometimes I am being a bit too 'bad' in front of you. Acting like someone who you never know. Disappointing you with/without me knowing..all I know, this is true. I love you both unconditionally. And it kills me when I see tears in your eyes. I really hope, I will never see it again.

:June

My mum and Dad are coming

2006-10-18T23:22:00.000+10:00

Guess what, after years of hoping that my parent (both of them) would come to Melbourne. At last, they are actually coming. Exactly 1 week from now. I am glad and do welcome them. However apparently the reason is not me.

I feel distance from everyone at the moment. Though I have these all great friends around me, I feel I could have done more for them. I could have appreciate them more instead of worrying too much about me and my life and unconciously I am 'ignoring' them. As much as I want to know about their updates, but most of the time I get distracted with my problem. I am sorry! We are not physically distant, but I feel mentally distant. Like now, I am sitting in front of my computer, but I don't feel like I am connecting myself with my Bro who is always busy with the computer (we hardly talk now) and my housemate who is talking on the phone.

Maybe I shouldn't be hoping that much. Becoz by hoping, I will get hurt again. I don't want to be too-good with anyone right now. Coz I am sick of being loved. And I hate to love coz I will end up getting hurt.

I do want to recover!

:June

OUch..

2006-10-03T18:09:00.000+10:00

Why she gets him but I ...?
I have a hell out of life. All I wish to have is a balanced happy life.
I do realised though I withdraw myself from everyone around me. Sorry..I never mean to change..

Judgment
Yeah..there is a saying, "you don't just the people you love, you support them regardless"..

Intimacy
Also this "All of us, without exception, have difficulty with intimacy, and over time, we will either move forward or drift backward in this dimension" (Harriet Goldhor Lerner)

others..
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Conflict with my Mum
"It ain't what you say, but how you say it" (Anonymous)

#2 Dear: you (in Melbourne)
What's with the random call, and 'Morning glory' and looked up for your Bro's GF present?
What's with the gift wrapping and movie afterwards?
What's with the online sharing-life-story chatting on MSN?
What's with the rialto, the 22nd birtday surprise?
What's with the Borders reading-comics session?
What's with the State Library, feed the bird with burger buns?
What's with the luncheon at Crown seafood buffet?
What's with the you and my bday dinner at SOS?
Was it only becoz of the 'drink'? Or just about the 'no-connection'?
What's with the ..
I didn't know when it started ..and clearly didn't know when it actually ended. Apparently, it has.
Another disappointment indeed.

:June

Something..secretive

2006-09-22T20:01:00.000+10:00

I hope, what happened today, stays in today.
My biggest fear is still to be judged by the people around me.
I wish, I don't harm you. Or punish you for something that you are not guilty for.

:June

Dear : You

2006-09-04T17:57:00.000+10:00

Dear You (in Malaysia)
I am sorry if lately I have been too occupied with myself. Although I know, it's never an excuse to NOT write an email, or to reply an email. Please remember this though, when I don't email, sms or call, that doesn't mean I forget any of you. Constantly I tell myself, I need to just sit down and seriously type an email or something to re-connect myself to you. I seriously do. Sometimes I just feel like, 24 hours in a day is never enough. I don't really know what I have, but it's just not enough. I feel like, I have a lot of things to do and it's all has been procastinated too. All I want to say is..please hang in there. I promise I will try my best to get myself back to normal. Have my social life back. Have back my time to reply your email. Have my time back to update you. I miss you.

Dear You (in Singapore)
How have you been? I sometimes update myself with your news when I read your blog. Unfortunately, we never see each other online as much as we did last year. So, less chatting makes me less and less 'connected' to you. Actually, I am not happy about this. I wish I have done something. I miss back then when I used to stay over at your house to spend the new year eve-s. And have that chit-chats about our thoughts about life in your room. Sometimes this feeling makes me want to be back home so badly. =( One more thing about the present you and your life, I am always curious about who's that 'Superman' who always comments on your blog? Would we have that chat about him one day?

Dear You (in Melbourne)
1. Dear you.
Again, same excuse, I've been too occupied with myself lately. I don't want to list out my excuses. But your compromises will mean more than anything to me. I never say you complain though. I am really thankful. I want to keep the friendship. I know, maybe it doesn't seem that I am trying hard enough to treasure the friendship lately, since I am tooooo overly occupied with helping my Bro. Although maybe there are some stuffs what I should not be worried about, but I think, it's a natural concern a sister, like me, has. I will sure slowly 'let go' of him, to let him has his own life and independent. Until I know that he can 'survive' without my help, then I'll be more relieved and worry less. (Yeah..now I sound like a mum! Wkakakaka...Am Not). Let's soon have Friday girls' night out again. I'll make it up to you. Anyway..thanks for always listening, though sometimes..I might be distracted with all the stuffs I have in my head, but never forget this, you are one of the very best-s!

2. Dear you.
We have spent there times trying to get to know each other. Though most of the time, when intimacy comes to take part, it's hard to draw the line between what we should or shouldn't have done. And most of the time, we always end up in this 'defensive routine'. I think, we always come back to the point where we started, and never really move forward or resolve anything. Dear you, I am really sorry for this situation created. I never have expected that I wil lead anything like this. Also, I never want to be misled, though I assume it's never intentional. I also don't want to pretend that there might be something when there is actually nothing. So, call it quit?

3. Dear you.
My new buddy, you are here in Melbourne.I know you will survive, with or without me indeed.Maybe, from the start, I shouldn't have worried anyway. My life sucks at the moment. so, let's not drag you into it.

:June

No one's there

2006-07-17T16:25:00.000+10:00

No one is there when I needed them the most. Most of the time, I am all by myself. I really don't mind. Though sometimes it's not a pleasant feeling. I failed 2 of my last semester subjects. Have wasted my parents' money. I am really sorry, mum! Am currently thinking of changing the course. And now, I am actually 'doing' something on it. I applied for a course at Swinburne University, called 'Graduate Diploma of Human Resource Management'. At this stage, I don't know whether I will get the offer or not. And new semester will start soon, it's actually next week. Urgently, I need to know whether the application is successful or not.

I have found a new place to move in with my Brother. Am lucky in this. I never have expected I will get it that soon. My application for this new apartment is done within 2-3 days. Everything seems to go pretty smoothly. Can't ask for more in this. The Malaysian lady who helped me with my application is the agent. I think, she has the full authority from the landlord. Thus she is able to approve my application that quickly. I am really thankful. Meaning, minus one thing to worry about. My brother will soon have his own space to study, that's my priority. I hate the fact that now, he feels like he doesn't really belong to the home that I am sharing with my other housemates at the moment. I am really aware of that. But, I have to wait till the end of this month to move out. I hope, by that time, I will already be certain with the course I have too.

:June

Hopeless

2006-07-10T15:56:00.000+10:00

I can't really decribe it..I feel terrible! I fail.
I am not a risk-taker. So, by changing my options, is it considered to be a 'runaway'?

:June

Recap-s

2006-06-28T00:06:00.000+10:00

Thurs-Fri. 22-23.06.06
I had my 21st Birthday last week. It was good. Those things that I have been anticipating for few weeks earlier did actually happened. My housemates, actually one of best housemates, DINA, planned the dinner at one of the Italian Restuarant at Melbourne Central. Called SOS. It was special! I felt so special on that day. Thank them. I have to thank Jackson too, for helping out with the '1/2 surprise 1/2 expected' surprise. Was a nice surprise when Yenny and Cyin (very good friends from Gippsland) actually turned out that night. I didn't expect them to. Coz they 'lied' to me. Actually, the fun started the day before. One of my very best friends asked me out the night before my Bday. We had dinner at Hard Rock Cafe . The meals were huge. And it was nice. I got presents..including one bracelet. I wish I could take care of it more than I have! Also on that night, Jackson happened to have rented car. He went somewhere out of Melbourne that day. And at night, he let me have a try (of driving). Went to Dockland for a while..and for the first time, I drove an automatic car. I've got lots of messages from friends and some people that I would never expect them to have remembered my Birthday! The fact now is..I am Officially Old.

My friends from Gippsland are now staying at my home. I somehow feel that Home is no more Home for me. Note: They are staying with us temporarily, maybe during this holiday, or until they find a new place to stay. Yenny is going to stay either with us, or with her BF, Chris, at Clayton. Btw, I am so happy for her and Chris right now. Anyway..Cyin is looking for a new place. Not that I have any objection. I am glad, seriously, that they stay with us. It makes the home more 'alive' and less boring. But in a way, I feel that, I do need to as soon as I can, find a new place to stay. Especially my Bro is coming this Fri. So, things really need to be done. I am going to start inspecting apartments soon. But what concerns me is my prior agreement/discussion with some of my friends who want to live with me. I have this thought of living only with my Bro, in an apartment. Also, I don't want to disappoint my good friend. Sure we will sit down and have a chat about this soon.

Monday.26.06.06.
Caught up with Ant and went to have lunch at Paramount. Yummy! The Korean lunch Box. Met 2 of Ant's friends who we ended up having lunch together with. Nice couple! Then in the evening, I went to work. Was planning to go to Fed-Square to watch the soccer match, Aussie vs. Italy. After work Me, Ant and DIna went there to join the crowd. It was freezing cold though. Fed-Square was packed. Instead, we went down near the Yarra river, where they had that big screen too. Met Brodie and Iris there to (Ant's friends). Italy won. Only becoz there's Totti (my mum's favourite)..if not, I might have supported Aussie 100%ly. hhmm...
Ant stayed over..coz on the next day, he had his written chinese exam, in the city.

There is someone in my life who has been realy supportive. Never let me down and take me for granted. I don't know how I can thank him for every support he has given me. Though if I have to admit, I have been really unfair to him, really. I am truly sorry if I do. I have taken him for granted. When he looks at me, I look at someone else who doesn't even look at me. I really don't know what I am doing right now. Am I disappointing the wrong person, pleasing the wrong person? Or even doing the wrong thing to myself?

2 more days, my Brother will be here. I chatted with my mum this afternoon, about his leaving. I guess, my mum's a bit upset. There will be no more kids at home for her to take care of each day. As we all grow older, and slowly become more independent..I guess, she would have feel a 'loss' somehow. I don't know how's Dad going though. Maybe he would be upset too. I started my home hunting today. It wasn't that easy. The agents I went to told me that they would give me a call, once the apartments are open for inspection. So..I can't do much right now. I need to buy some stuffs for my Brother though. Blanket, Jacket..etc. Am still thinking and listing what I'd get for him.

:June

Can't fight fate

2006-06-10T00:33:00.000+10:00

I had 2 exams this week, Business Law and Economics, and I have one more to go. I really don't know how good or how bad I went with those exams. Normally when people have exams, they sort of know or can measure how well they go with the exams. Not this time for me. Not that I take any of this subjects for granted. I tried my best. An open-book exam and an exam-with-a-cheat-sheet, both didn't really help me to convince myself that they will get me good grade though.

'Was/AM such a fool?'.
Should there be any excuse for a secret kept from you? Well, I guess..everyone has their prerogative. Totally agree. But it doesn't work that well if the secret kept is actually something that you wish is not kept from you knowing. It hurts either way. Not knowing that the secret exists is as much hurting as the secret itself. If that something is seriously none of my business, e.g: if my best friend is dating someone without telling me, that's cool. I believe people have their own privacy. But what if the secret is somehow something to do with me? I feel like a fool. Though it might be none of my business, but in fact is I know what's the untold. One more thing, I don't need people to do me any favor. Though I feel left out, I'm fine. I start to think, when I don't fit in a group, I just don't fit in. Used to keep trying, but I guess, the effort I've put in has been forsaken. It would be best to maybe have our seperate life instead of to keep on insisting.

Been chatting online with a 'so-long-never-met-online' friend. Someone, who I guess, can sort of 'calm' me when I have doubts in my minds with his advices. I wish, we could have maintained the friendship without ever had that 'pause' period. Well, hopefully, it will stay now. I hate the ON and OFF friendships/relationships. Coz it impacts me too much. As I grow older, I wish I can be more friendly with 'reality'. So that I know things are never absolute. They come and go. As much as I love changes, I hate it when it comes to any kinda of relationships I have with people.

When thing goes wrong, the best thing to do is to find something else to blame for the error, of course besides ourselves. If we can't find anything else to blame, we will blame the situation. A friend of mine told me, I have to start changing the way I think, for my own sake. For those who know me well enough, I am still the sensitive June. Maybe it annoys you sometimes, I get annoyed too when I can't kinda 'control' this. Am trying. SO, please excuse me.

I am currently anticipating few things that I assume would happen soon. My Bro is coming in less than 1 month, so I am now looking for a new place to stay. I hope, I can find somewhere in the city, live-able for the two of us. WIth great deal, not too expensive. I am excited. Though at the same time, I need to prepare myself for adjustment. Been living in QV, with my three other housemates means a lot to me. I will miss the daily chit-chats we have. And the constant support when I need it.
Something big is coming in 2 weeks time. And I am anticipating that too. COz I know, there will be something planned for me from my housemates and friends. I knew it. Maybe..instead of they surprise me, I should surprise them. *winks*

:June

Few random thoughts

2006-06-01T11:09:00.000+10:00

Why bother ask, when we know the answer is not what we'd have wished it to be?
'Faith sees the invisible, touches the intangible and achieves the impossible'..really?
Why do we wish to be that someone when clearly we are not and won't be?
Why everything seems to be so complicated when it can be less complicated?
Why do we have to be those who help each other to find out what's next?
Why do we have to be the 'in-between' people?

:June

What had happened.

2006-05-25T23:15:00.000+10:00

My life hasn't been any worse. Life is never easy. Maybe I am getting closer to the time when I have to really decide what's next in my own life. To be responsible, I guess, that's one of my biggest fear. Fear of not being able to handle things in my life by myself. I know, as I grow older, I will have this responsibility, whether I like it or not. But, it's hard when I have to do it alone. I hate having people worrying about me, coz it makes me feel that I am not capable to be in control of my life. But at the same time, I always hope for that support from those I love.

Last week, exactly on Sunday evening, I had a serious talk with my mum. It is regarding the course I am doing now. I have been thinking a lot before I called her that night. I could not cope with the fact that I am not doing well in Accounting. Maybe I should just try to work harder. But the more I try, the more I realise, it's not something that I like, honestly. I never picture myself in the future to be an accountant. I am doing it, for the sake of getting a title of Permanent Recidency in Australia. Worth it? Accounting is seriously too out-of-my-interest. I know I should not have make any excuses, coz I have decided to take this course. When I decided, that meant that I have agreed to commit with this course, and would do my best. There is a conflict in me now though. Should I be doing something that I like, something that I am passionate in. Or should I be doing something that is good for my future or that can sort of guarantee my future (maybe in the workforce). I never know where I will end up in. Will I go back for good? I hope not. Would U agree with me if I say 'people should be doing something that they like, not something that they should have like or people expect them to be doing'? I have had a thought of changing my course back to Communication, or something more dynamic, something like what's in media industry.e.g: mtv. I told mum about this thought. As always, she can't never object, coz what she always want is us to be happy with that we are doing. She is not the type that will force her children to do something for the sake of her expectation. That's why, I feel so guilty. In a way, I will have wasted one semester if I do change my course in semester two. Meaning, in some way, I have wasted their money too, though I can't totally say it's a waste. But I could have avoided this. I feel terribly sorry. I feel guilty for being indecisive (again). I feel useless. My dream is to make them be proud of their children and I am now risking this dream of mine. Am I taking them for granted? I haven't done enough. I cried on that night.

At the same time,I have this concern. I won't want my mum and dad to spend their money on me, more and more, when my brother is coming to Melb soon for his Uni. He would be staying for at least 4 years which means more money to be spent on their children overseas. I hate to be the burden. I love to help my brother. I want to be here when he arrives. I want to be able to 'provide' him with what he might need. Though I know, he is old enough to be independent without me. But, I never want him to feel the same way that I felt 3 years ago. I just wish, I can be there for him. I want him to have the same oppotunity too, to study overseas.

The past few weeks, I have also been struggling with group work. The good news is, I am done with them tonight. I had 2 presentations. One was on Wed, and one was tonight. Nothing worse than not being able to be in control of the work U are doing. Not that I am control freak, but I love to be on-time. If something is assigned to be done by certain time, it should be. It stressed me out when all my group members are kinda those last minute people. Maybe it works for them, I respect that. But definitely not for me. To compromise all the time is tiring. Lucky that I have some help. One of the group members, whose spoken English is not good (he claims), has helped me a lot. I guess, he had his own way of doing thing. And surprisingly, I have to admit, he helped me a lot for the last project we had. At least, he never act fool like the other two.

What's in me right now?. I can't describe what I am feeling right now. The worse time of my life. Nothing seems to work the way it should have been, or I wish it could have been. What is ideal, I really don't have a clue. Do I need people to understand me, the way I think, the way I act, the way I do things..to make my life complete? To have people understand what I do the way I do it, apparently is kinda impossible. To have people agree with the thought I have is also rare. I am a weirdo. The tendency to compromise and to try understand people, putting myself into their shoes before accusing them or blaming them for something that's considered 'not right' in my mind, gets me into frustration most of the time. And try to make people understand why I do that is also an extreme torture. Though sometimes I do feel my friends around me are giving me their love, but still this 'too-good-to-be-true' happening is turning into something else, normally quite the opposite after a while.

Few notes:
What if I say I am still waiting. The sad thing is, I still am.

:June

So 'high'

2006-05-09T20:10:00.000+10:00

It's 8.07 pm in Melb. And it's now raining. So cold. I don't really like this weather. First, coz it's too cold, and it makes me lazy. Actually, it's more like an excuse not to get up early every morning =) And second, the rain makes everything more complicated when I need to go out for my daily activities.

Today, I am kinda 'high'. Maybe I am in a good mood. Despite the stress I have been through the past few weeks, I smile a lot today. Haha. I worked this afternoon, at lunch time, for 3 hours. Was extremely busy. I didn't know why. It was fun though. Why am I so 'high'? Maybe because I know that from tomorrow on until Mid-June, I won't have any pleasant time anymore. Exams are coming. I don't know how am I gonna finish the 2 group assignments when all of my group members (3 guys from China) have no initiation to start (their part of the assignments). (Honestly, I want to kick their a**). So, it's like..I know, today will be my last day of 'leave-me-alone-less-stress' from my 3 other group mates. Anyway..got home and study for my Accounting test which will be on this Sat, HHmm...pretty confused. I just hope..I can do it well.

ANyway..short post. And am going back to study now, after my 'lonely' dinner
(NB: 'Cold war' with my housemate is still there..I can't help it)
:June

Could I give up?

2006-05-03T09:08:00.000+10:00

I have been wanting to update this blog, but everytime I want to, something distracts me and I end up not posting =). Each day, I kinda have a different line/phrase that I thought,'wait a minute, maybe it's a good title for my next entry'. But I can recall them when I am in front of my computer now.

Life isn't easy lately. Uni life sucks. I am at the edge where I am totally clueless about where I am going in life. Some facts are: I know I want to stay in Melbourne. I don't want to go back to Indo to do all the shitty things I thought I would have there. Next, I need to be here for my brother's coming to Melb for his Uni. Therefore, I can't go home yet and I never dream of going back.
However, doing Master of Pro. Accounting is a torture. I really don't think I belong to Accounting. Not that I don't want to try or maybe put more effort. I do, and I will always do try. At this stage, I can't deny the fact. Had some mid-semester exam, assignment, etc..and they turn out to be not good. These things can't lie. They reflect something. Could I give up? I have ever thought of transfering my Master from accounting back to communication. Dina (my housemate) told me, I can consider that. In life, I guess, it's partly true that U would rather do something U like rather then doing something that others need U to like. Though I know this fact applies to me too, but now, I am indecisive.

Life lately..hhmm..Not too good. Have so many issues with people around me who I love most. I had problems with one of my housemates. Who would expect her to be that childish? Oh God! Am at that stage when I can't give a shit anymore. I really have enough. Of course, no one will think that it's their fault is smtg happen. I have this thought, maybe it's from my mum, that if smtg happens and goes wrong..it's never one's party fault. It's both party. Thus, if I have 'conflict' with my housemate, maybe it's my fault too. BUT, for this incident..it didn't work that way.

I am positively sure that I don't want to lose anyone as my friend. I know, things have been a little bit intense lately. Have been through a lot of questioning too.

:June

Collection of doubts.

2006-04-22T00:38:00.000+10:00

There are always questions.
Where is the other half? Or maybe my other half?
Why would I care when no one does?
Enough is enough, but still..I can't let go Yet.
Been waiting for something pointless, been disappointed.
Trying hard to think positive, it's harder done than said.

There is a girl.
U think she has everything..but she doesn't.
Is there any hope beyond the pain?
Is there any excuse for misleading?
Is there any..?
Why can she be such a 'weak' person? When she can't say NO to smtg she feels wrong about.
Why can't she resist some temptations that she could have resist?
Why does she have to be this indecisive in life?
Why everything seems to against her sometimes?
Why does she feel like sometimes, she needs to live on her own. Coz she needs to. No one is willing to be there when she needs to lean on their shoulder. Maybe it's just a matter of, who she wishes it could have been.

:June

Post- Sydney.

2006-04-17T23:56:00.000+10:00

Last Thursday, I had my Accounting exam. I think I did quite alright. Though I guess there's no such thing like 100% grade for me..yet I know I won't fail =). At night, went to stay over at Jen's house. Thanks for the free ticket, thus I could have my easter break in Sydney for 3 days 2 nights. I stayed over her house that night because our flight was early in the morning, at 6.30 am the next day. Met Jen's housemate, Allen, cute little friend (more like a boy). Easy going and funny.

ANyway..Sydney trip was awesome! Thanks Rhonda (the owner of the travel agency where Jen is now working) for the tickets. Apparently, Rhonda and family were there too, at Sydney. Am so glad to have known them all. Let's start with the first day.

:Friday. 14.04.06:
It was the Good Friday, for Easter celebration. We all reached Sydney at around 8.30. That was early! Went to the city by bus, costed us $10 each for one way. And got to the Avillion hotel at Pitt Street. We were supposed to stay at level 16, but it's more like the 5th floor. Anyway, the hotel was not too bad indeed. We (Me, Jennifer and Shannon) left the luggages in the hotel room and headed off to the Sydney Opera house. It was so hot that day. Tried hard not to look like tourists, Haha..it doesn't work. Most of the shops in the city were closed though, coz it was Good Friday. We walked all the way from Pitt street to the Opera house, which took us almost 30-45 minutes. First day, didn't know about the transport system in Sydney. Ended up having lunch at a restaurant nearby. The Chicken salad was served in a big round bread, which I didn't finish at the end. Went back to the hotel and had a nap before we headed off to a bar nearby. Called 'PUB'(I called it). [Correction. the real name is 'Three Wise MOnkeys'.] Was good. Though I have to admit, it's not my cup of tea. The music especially. The night ended at around 10pm.

:Saturday. 15.04.06:
Plan of the day was to go shopping and met up with my Ex Housemates, who I used to live with for the past almost 3 years before they moved to Sydney last November. I was really looking forward to meet them, the bad news was, it was cancelled till the next time we meet again. Was a bit disappointed, but I understood their priorities.
Anyway, in the morning, the girls and me went to Paddington Market. The market was great! So many European designer bags, clothings and art stuffs. So worth it! I bought a nice bag there. It was a light green and gold colours. Looked classy. Love it! Its label is Gorgeous Girly Things ..Hhmm...I think I spent around $100 in a day. Lucky I had budget that can keep me from spending too much money. Will work more hours to earn this money back now.

At night, we (again) went to bars. Was plannig to go to a bar called 5 degrees (again, I rename it). [Correction. It's real name is 'Minus 5'.]I guess, tourists will come here. It's a bar constructed with Ice. Yes, all are ice. The seats, the tables, the glass..everything single things. We didn't get in though, coz with our tight budget, we all thought it's not worth it. ANyway, the admission fee was $30 and everyone had to hire the jacket they provided (coz it's seriously freezing cold inside). Gavin, who came to surprised the girls that night, went there and took some nice pictures.
We got into a really cosy bar called the Establisment. I loved the environment. But not the idea to drink..Haha. I guess, I am not yet 'lovin' the idea of drinking. No offence though for those who love it. Maybe I need more time and practice, coz I am not, it's not a bad thing. One after another, we ended up at the same PUB we went the night before. Here..all the amazing and un-think-able experiences happened. Met 2 Switz guys..and..hhmm..

:Sunday. 17.04.06:
The last day we spent in Sydney. We went to see a movie. Yeah, why would we watched movie while we could do that too in Melb, But we did! Guess, everyone needed a break too from shopping and sight-seeing. /Failure to Launch/ by Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey. I guess, what makes it stand out is the actors. This is a nice line from the movie..
'Do you want to spend the rest of your life having fun or with me?'...

I have to say, I can't thank Rhonda enough for this good trip. She treated us dinner at a ultimately special Japanese restaurant called 'SUMINOYA'. Great food, great deserts, great feelings! Really appreciate all these. How lucky those people who know them and can be little part of their life =) In the morning, we had to check-out at 11. Thus, Rhonda offered us to 'transit' our luggages in their room, really thoughtful (If I haven't mentioned it before, the family stayed in the same hotel as we did). Back from the Restaurant, we went back to the hotel. Spent one hour quality time with them, felt so good!
Arrived in Melb around 11.45pm. And Larry, Hhmm.., one of Jen's 'best buddy' picked us up. Nice move! Back to reality. I actually missed my housemates a lot, I guess they were too. They missed their 'stupid' housemate who always talk to her puppy-dog-pet-doll called M.O.C.O..Haha..

Overall, I love this easter break.

:June

<10.03.2006> Lights..

2006-04-10T19:40:00.000+10:00

It's assessment period. This week, I will have 1 test and 1 exam. One Economics test and Accounting exam. Before the easter break starting this Friday. Indeed, things seem to better these days. I am in the progress of overcoming the 'difficulties' I've encountered. Last Saturday, I went to RIALTO, the tallest building in Melbourne @ 525 Collins street. It was awesome! Actually it was the surprise present to one of my friend who had his birthday on the next day =) It felt good that I could actually fulfill his dream to go there and view the entire Melbourne city. U can see everything. From Dockland, Crown casino, Port Melbourne and so on. The best spot for tourist..I would say!

Anyway..Despite the stress I had last Thursday with the un-collaborative group mates, there was some happy times. Bumped into Gavin, my big brother, at Collins street. We ended up having hot-choco at Brunetti, on Swanston street. Though the weather was darn cold. Went to ACMI to see the free exhibition of the 'contemporary commonwealth'. ALl I can say, art is an abstract thing for anyone to understand. At night, went out with Jennifer and Shannon. Ate dinner at the Lounge and we specially ordered the mango Pizza..hhmm..Yum! And went to a bar Jen promise us. The 'Long Room'. Too crowded, I have to say. But it was good. The feeling in there was just 'fabulous'! ONe thing I have to say, it's annoying when I don't know what drink to order whenever I am asked =( Left early at around 9.30 pm though. I got to know a new girl, called Sasha (correct me if I am wrong, Jen)..It's weird when sometimes I can just chat as though I know her before. Oups.. Will go to spend Easter break at Sydney, with Jen and Shannon. Thank them for the free ticket. Am sure I will so enjoy my semester break before I resume the semester a week after. =)

:June

Share your love without holding back

2006-04-07T10:13:00.000+10:00

What's best when U are in love is to show it without holding back. Not to appear pathetic coz the other person doesn't love U back, or maybe not as much as U do..but at least, by showing it, you are not restained by your own feeling. In my life, I've known somebody very special. All he knows is to love that 'someone' unconditionally. To be there, as an absolute good friend, when the girl he used to like (maybe likes) needs him. Not judgemental. All he knows is to share his love without always questioning/asking the girl to love him back. That's unconditional. There are a lot of 'maybe-s'..Yet, he stays there. Either an admirer or good friend, they both are good. Maybe they are what people call 'soulmates'.

Last week, I was down till I went to seek professional help. Felt so down and hopeless. Now..I am stronger. WHy is that? I guess, I just need to be. Only becoz things didn't work out the way I wish they could have been. Therefore, I 'suffer' from the disappointments. Maybe. Have to take it the way it is..coz that's how I learn to survive. Some people may look at me and say I have no passion or goals in my life..Maybe I don't (Yet). Why do I love to compare myself with others? I know what I am doing..I know maybe I am not until that stage where I am in the work environment. Am not making any excuses for myself..but maybe the time is not right yet. SO..all I need to do is to enjoy and do the best I can, not wasting any second of my life. At the same time, try to sketch my future with this remote-canvas.

:June

Never was

2006-04-02T19:32:00.000+10:00

Not yet fully-'recovered'. I find it hard to concentrate on my study lately. Though it was nice to have a brief chat with my mum yesterday, this happiness fades away when the conversation ended. Back to reality.

'I never was'.
Been through this unreal situation where I think I was something. Thought I am part of something important in others' life, yet I am not. I thought I was, but I never were. Why do I have this thrist of being 'included'? I should just tell myself, 'come on! Wake Up!'. There are bitter and sweet in every situation. SOmetimes I am so 'excluded' from something that I wish I would have been 'included' in..which turns me down. I thought, I am never someone who can light the fire..
But, there are times when I feel, I am much appreciated as a good friend (for certain people). Like one of my friend who had his Bday last Thurs, called me and asked me to join him for a drink...NICE!

'I thought I can help myself'
It turns out..I can't! I am trying to tell myself..I can compromise..I wish. It's hard to let go something that I don't want to let go. When I think I have everything people could have wish for..I realise, I own all those artificial things but never get something that I really need in my life. I never love myself enough..I never love somebody else enough..I never do enough for anyone. I am aiming for a reward, thus all these left me with disappointment! Which I wish..

:June

Unforgivable sinner

2006-03-30T00:33:00.000+11:00

Emotion fluctuates. One day I can be really happy, another day I can be darn 'dead'. Please excuse me. Though my motto is to 'expect the unexpected', it hardly works. I have been through a lot of 'pain' lately. Don't want to make others worry about me, coz seriuosly I AM fine. Happiness won't last..thus now, the 'unhappy' time rules (in my life now). I have been in this circle and stupidly refuse to get out. Feeling a bit disappointed with myself, with all the un-solved problems. Too tired to hang in there. All I know is that, I am not a perfect or ideal human being, I do have mistakes in my life. I tell myself though, I will never have the word 'regret'. Coz I do want to treasure every single step I have taken. If I choose to do A, I have to face the consequences without regret.

I know, there are people with worst scenarios. Therefore, I know I can pass this. Don't freak out..ok? I went to my first counselling session @ RMIT last Tuesday. First time in my life that I thought I needed one. Just to let it all out..and need objective opinion. Thus, I decided to go when on that day all my group-members ditched me by cancelling the 'supposed to be a meeting-session in the library'. Haha..it's not them to blame though =) There are a lot of uncertainties in my life that I need to find the answer to. I wish soon.

:June

'is he/she the one?'

2006-03-26T09:15:00.000+11:00

Have you ever come across this question in your life? You assume that in a relationship, you need to know whether he/she is or would be the one in your life. It's really hard to justify though. Although some people might think, the one they have now as their BF/GF is the one, Unless they are really certain of the 'relationship', no one can actually say so.

Regardless of the condition you are in, whether you are 'going' into a relationship, or U are in a relationship..I guess, there will be a time you ask yourself, is he/she the one? And when this strikes you, what would U do? To decide something depending on the answer to this question might sound like a cliche. Though it's hard to be objective, but I guess there are always two sides of a story. You can either go with the flow, and do not worry much about the unpredictable future. Or you can start to think 'logically' to fit the social norm..to be the ideal person. In my opinion, it's the mix of both, which most of the time 'stop' you from moving.
It's either U go with the flow, though there are risks. But at least you don't lose before you try. Or to NOT try, to give and lose before U even try. Coz you are 'resisting' yourself and love to play in your comfort zone. Reluctant to face the fact.

How if you know, he/she is the one for you. Yet you can't do anything about it. Coz the 'uncertainty' and potential 'impossibility'. Should you give up on him/her? Or should you just let it be. And just have faith in him/her. I can't really say that if you say 'Yes, he/she is the one' then you should be able to hang in there. Coz it's hard. Then U think 'so, what's next?' What if he/she isn't thinking the same thing? What I know is that, if everything tells U that he/she is NOT the one..maybe U have to start to let it go and give up on him/her. Yet, if the feeling of 'Yes, he/she is the one' is darn strong, should U not have given up on him/her. Coz your heart tells U so..Is he/she worth it?

:June

Which one is worse..

2006-03-25T00:36:00.000+11:00

Which one is worse? To lose someone after you've been through the relationship OR to 'lose' someone without having the relationship? I don't know..you tell me.
Do I sound desperate everytime I post an entry about my feeling? Someone (my sister) told me this afternoon. It's actually a form of 'support'..thank U.

I feel so 'unwell' today. Mentally and emotionally, I guess. Sometimes, I think, I need to give up on something that I have been dreaming of. But my heart tells me the contradiction to this. It tells me to keep on trying. To win over this 'game'. They say, if U have faith in something, you will get it. I do want to proof this.
Have you ever feel that U are at the edge? Feel like U are too tired to keep on trying that turns out to be nothing at the end, at least there's a 50 50 chance to win and lose. That's how I feel now. To scared to be the loser, thus keep playing in this game..though I know, to win this game is hardly possible. Am speechless now. Want to let it out, but there's something that stops me everytime I want to make a move. I do want to live my life happily! Regardless of what happens now.

:June

How do U define...

2006-03-21T10:54:00.000+11:00

Care. Love. Companion. Like. Affection..etc. How do U define them.
Honestly, there's no correct definition. Nothing will stay forever, and feeling will fade. It is just something that people have to accept..Maybe, maybe not.
One of my best friends had just gone through a hard time. I really hope she is doing better now. It was an unexpected nightmare. Though I can be by her side now, to comfort her. I hope she is strong enough. I don't want to get into details though.

Honestly, I am disappointed with all these. Not to be biased coz she is my friend, but I guess, it's just unfair. If the love fades, it's fair enough to break up. It's unfair though to hurt someone with all the un-revealed lies. The on-going lies that were told just after the break-up.
It's a cliche. To love someone, U need faith. U need honesty! And also, if U can stay for that someone U love most, that's called love. Or sacrifice. U will stay regardless of what happens. U'll fight for it rather than giving up. If love fades, U'll try to have it stay. It's commitment. Am not an expert though, but that's what I learnt these days.

It isn't the best week ever. I had my 1st Accounting test last Saturday. It was so stressful to recall something I've learnt ages ago. No excuses allowed. Yet, it's hard to have this accounting subject that I am doing now after all the excitement I have in Communication field. It's all getting harder when I have to use all the new terms or jargons that I am not familiar with.

:June

Rest in Peace

2006-03-17T00:17:00.000+11:00

Accumulation of all the 'unspokens'..will have me rest in peace one day. Been experiencing a lot of depressions that I myself don't even know how to explain. And couldn't express either. Maybe this should stay as the unspoken. Coz what's the point of me posting this entry for you to read? Anyway, I don't know when it starts, what the symptoms are..all I know now is I'm nowhere near OK. Though I tell myself I will be fine tomorrow, it is a darn difficult to do so. To comfort myself all the time. And to realise the fact that I am actually fragile, which I hate most, and I have no one to lean on..

Contradictions are absolute. I seriously hope, people will live their life filled with love yet independent. Thus, they will never cry for the lost of their loved one.
Apparently, U will not lose something that U have never had.

:June

True and Tender

2006-03-13T14:00:00.000+11:00

Haven't been blogging for a while, at least a week. One of the reasons why maybe becoz of my 'ruined' blog template (the right hand side of my blog, is in 'damaged' condition).This, with my lack of HTML knowledge to fix this problem, I might need someone more professional to help me fix. Hikz

Anyway, have been busy catching up with my Accounting weekly readings and the coming exam on this Saturday. *Fingers crossed*. My work at Nandos, which I thought I would have been 'kicked out' soon from that Resto since I got fewer shifts, is now stable again. It turns out now I get more shifts than I though I could have. Been working a lot now..3-4 shifts per week. I don't mind and still can manage. Coz have only 3 days of Uni, though the classes are actually intense. No joke.

<10.03.2006> didn't do much. Caught up with Krystal, ever since the KL trip in January. Met Fanco and Richie too. Was nice..but it reminded me so much of Irene..miss her so much. Anyway, wanna wish her best luck with her new job ...so excited for her. I was so happy when she told me, as though I am the one who get the job..wakkaka..
At night, went to Lavish, a club in Dockland. So nice..I mean the view to the sea, not the club. The music was boring, didn't really enjoy myself. Went there with a friend from Nandos, there were some other friends too. We went for kinda 2 hours. We went back home walking, not too bad actually. The weather was just nice, the empty streets and nice view of Dockland in Melbourne. Highly recommended for couples. It would be damn nice if I were to walk with my partner rather than with friend..Haha

<11.03.2006> is Fadhilah's Party (a collaboration of her 21st Bday celebration and farewell party, Yeah..sadly). Anyway, felt so happy that I could actually help her, at least with the 1/2-price-ribs-and-wings packs from Nandos, Woohoo..and also with the home-made Guestbook, which she originally asked me to help her buy, by Unit 2513/QV (me and my housemates). Vita and Dina (my housemates) helped me a lot though =). Anyway, the party was nicely organized. The game wasn't boring..and everyone seemed to have fun. Caught up with some other Foundation friends, including the Bday girl of course. At the same time, Mr. Ant was having her sister's 21st Bday party too in the city. I wonder how did the party go though..coz I forgot to even ask him when he came with 3 balloons from that Bday party, filled with Helium...the one that I have been 'wanting' for ages =) Thank U...

Chatted with my Lil Bro yesterday. He was so 'pure' sometimes. Makes me love him more..but couldn't actually tell him this in front of him. Wakaka..He shared his 'secret admiring' story and also his 'bored' life in Indo when he has nothing to do with what is called 'school'. Actually it's only a weekend, a real free weekend, and he was already freaked out. OMG..He is an ultimate 'can't NOT do anything' guy huh =)...

Quote of the day: Love is an appreciation, not a game.

:June

Moonlight Cinema

2006-03-03T13:44:00.000+11:00

Outdoor cinema where people can sit on the grass and watch a movie, that is the Moonlight Cinema . How cool is that? They only have it during Summer, I guess. When the weather is consistant at night time. This is the first time for me to go there. Went there to celebrate Renny's 21st Bday. Blind-folded her from Federation Square to Stop 19, then walked within the Botanical Garden. I was good with direction..hhmm..

This moonlight cinema is located in the middle of Botanical Garden, not too far away from the city. Becoz it exists only in summer time, thus it soon will end. The last screening will be on this Sunday. Lucky I went there.
Anyway, it was so different. Here, we could actually make noise or chat, a lil bit. Hehe. And I realize, this is where the smokers can actually smoke during the screening. Damn it! The feeling was so peaceful though. I guess, if only I have a partner, it would be such a romantic night. Why? Coz U watched the movie in the middle of a garden. Sit back and relax. U can also see the tall buildings in Melbourne city. Then the fresh smell of the nature. The birds fly pass your view..and later on the night, you'll see the stars hanging on the dark sky. Amazing! I love it so much.

Yesterday afternoon, I caught up with Gavin, my big-protective-brother. He is doing really good. Am glad to have him back. We went to Inck and had a drink. He told me about his plan of starting a business, selling shoes. It's actually half-shoes half-sandals. Not bad really. He may need me to help him too, do the Admin stuff, if he needs in the future. And I guess, this is a good start for both me and him, if we are really doing this. I feel really honoured when people actually can trust me and believe in me =)

Seriously I am no where near certain now. When I watched the movie Shopgirl @ that moonlight cinema, it had me think about my life. When I need to be really sure about something that I want to get, yet at the same time, I can't do it without the second party approval. It's not I can't do it myself. Sometimes in life, there's no such thing that you do it yourself, you succeed. Surely, you can make yourself happy. but at the end of the day, U need someone to 'complete' the hard days you have.

:June

Life is short

2006-02-28T22:24:00.000+11:00

Is love the most important thing in this world? Any kind of love will lead someone to suffer the pain of losing the loved one. U will feel sad when U are left out alone. And also, when he/she is not there anymore when U are so used with their existance in your life. Sadly, that what we need to live with in this world.

It hurts when U know your friend need a shoulder to cry on, but at the same time, you can't help her ease the pain. Today, Jennifer came to Nandos when I was working. She came and hugged me then cried with me holding a meal on my hand. The bad news was Angie, one of the DJ in Syn.fm died in a car accident in Korea. I knew this girl from Jen's story. I guess thing happens for reason. I could actually feel the pain when I talked to Jen just now on the phone. I totally understood, I myself almost cried too when I realize, Life is too short. What is important is to really treasure the moment U have now with anyone U love.

I really want to tell someone "please GO if U are not staying!". Love hurts. Maybe I need to re-arrange my life. I know I am kinda waiting for something uncertain. But I am getting sick of this. I truly feel for someone. Maybe to wait is one of my options. Yet, I am so uncertain now. I want to stay, at the same time, I don't dare to. Coz there's noone can convince me, not even myself, that this is a good idea. Yenny has ever told me, for sure I deserve someone better in life. I don't need to worry about anything yet. Coz that someone will actually come to my life. And who knows, it'll be soon. Live with the memories in the past is useless and pointless. Sometimes it's good as a feedback. Or to make myself feel good, that I had ever had that moments, though actually it hurts me in present time.

:June

Strawberries...pick them & eat them!

2006-02-26T21:51:00.000+11:00

Welcome to Mornington Peninsula, 1-2 hour drive from Melbourne city, where I found my fresh and original Strawberries..they shine and somehow tell U to 'pick me'. Haha.

Anyway, the trip was originally planned by my housemate, Karni. It was a getaway for everyone before the semester starts next week. Partly, it's also becoz Yenny (the Moomooland Girl) was still staying with us. Therefore,this trip was planned. But if I have to say, maybe it's not the best trip ever. Was a bit unorganized. Though we had already predicted the late comers..as we always do expect them to be, but there were some other unpredicted errors which ruined the trip. For example, we were supposed to visit 5 places (incl. the Strawberry Farm). At the end, we only made it for 3 places (the Strawberry Farm, the Ashcombe Maze and Arthur Seat). We sort of wasted 2 admission tickets we had already paid for.

Strawberry Farm. I forgot how much actually I paid for the entrance, coz Karni calculated everything, including the car rent on that day. Thus, I didn't know the details. Went in the strawberry farm around 11am. We went in with a yellow bucket. It may fit like 1 kg for the full-filled bucket. And the deal it's free for the 1st 1/2kg of the Strawberries you've picked. U pay for the next kg and so on.
All the shiny strawberries are so Fresh..unbelievable! And I got a tips from my friend. He told me the small strawberries taste better. They are sweet. Correcto. My Strawberries are not even 1/2kg, thus, I didn't pay for my strawberries. Cool =p

2nd, the Authur Seat. Great view or the coast and the city of Melbourne within the cloud. So nice. It made me feel that I was really 'out' of Melbourne. There was chair lifts, where people sit on to "enjoy the scenic natural bushland and view across Port Phillip Bay to Melbourne & beyond". People have to pair up for the seat, and I sat with Hendri, one of my friends in Nandos who came with us that day :). Had a nice chat with him too.

The Ashcombe Maze. It was a place where they have all these circular green bushes, like a puzzled garden. Wow, so confusing. We were supposed to play a game inside the maze. Guess, to find some hidden items. Maybe, there would be a price at the end. But..ended up not playing. Coz wasted too much time, when we were still planning to go somewhere else. And, it started to rain. Too bad.

Good times bad times. It was such a good trip, coz Yenny was having fun with her new experiences. With the Melbourne Zoo, her first time seeing girrafes, Haha. Also, this trip, which I hope she did enjoy. During the journey in the car, we both were in the same car. I knew that she was 'suffering' from the non-stop hits from someone in the car. Sometimes, I just couldn't understand, why in this world, there are people who are so self-centered and are attention-seekers. I know, I have no right to judge, maybe I am one of them. Yet, this is just one of the un-tolerable moments in my life. When U have to listen to someone's complains and can't get away from them at the same time.
Anyway, Yenny left Melbourne, to Gippsland this afternoon. Hope she enjoyed her time staying with us these last few days. And hope that she will come back again soon. So the unit 2513 in QV will not be 'too quiet' and sometimes intense.

Quick updates from Nandos. I worked for 6 hours, straight, today. It was amazingly busy today. Therfore, I was so tired. And the manager in charge told me to stay for another 1 hour extra. So exhausted and tired. It was good though. Money is hard to get. U need to earn it! Therefore, I never complain. No Excuses, remember?! Moreover, I am going to buy a sport shoes (coz I need one actually). So, I'd better kick my ass to earn that money, and buy it with my money. Wish me luck.

June

Sometimes

2006-02-21T22:51:00.000+11:00

Williamstown was awesome! Went there with Fadhilah and Renny on last Sunday (19th Feb). Went there with a Sunday Saver ticket..so cheap. $2.50 for the whole day, from zone 1-3. Cool! Went there around 12. This place makes me think of having a house there, with a car (maybe). Especially when my Bro is coming, and we can both settle down. Now I wish, in 2-3 years time, I have had enough money to buy a house. Maybe I can pay half of the down payment =)

The plan this Weekend is to go to the Strawberry Farm with friends and housemates. We hired cars, and some of the boys will need to drive us there. Been discussing about this trip for quite a while, like a week. And hopefully it turns out to be a good one. We are planning to make some sushi for snacking..maybe. Apparently, I will write more about this trip once I finish my trip =)
Anyway..YEnny (the girl that acts like a housemate to someone) is still staying with us for 2-3 more days. Bought her to Ikea on Monday.Bought lots of SPOKA (the cute table lights). And will bring her to the Melbourne Zoo on this Thursday..Haha. What a holiday! Can't believe this all will end soon, like next week. Fiuh...

Sometimes I can be a little bit too loud and 'crazy' that freak my friends out. Maybe. Am I going to an indepth stress? Hope not.
Sometimes I can feel like I am always a burden to someone else. Sometimes I see myself as noone. When something really important to me is like nothing for others. When noone listens when U need them to. When U are kinda 'left out' or neglected. When I try to be strong, and pretend like nothing really matters to me, I realise it hurts me more.
I feel loved. By my friends, or maybe housemates. Everything seems to be so nice. Then again, I think all these good times will pass without me knowing. I can't deny the fact within this. I miss that someone who I wish he could fill my day. So that we can share the moments. Miss someone who really sees me.

June

If I could

2006-02-19T10:46:00.000+11:00

Lately, I have been experiencing a lot of domestic stress. Things with my moody housemates and some of my demanding friends. Life sometimes can be so complicated that I think I rather 'give up'. But, I always like to fight against myself. Try to contradict myself a lot. Coz by doing that, I am being less emotional. So I have no excuse to not deal with the obstacles in life..

Anyway, This toothache is killing me. THink, I really have to have a checkup for my neglected teeth. Hope it gets better soon, so I don't need to see the doctor..pliz.

I went to PortMelb on Friday morning. Just felt like staying away from people I know. Went there by myself for the first time. Trust Me, Never go to a place alone! unless U are ready for an unexpected stranger. Something annoyed me though that day.
Anyway, I question myself. Am I someone who can never take care or protect myself from stranger? Like those people who knows me well enough always say, that I am sometimes too naive. They can laugh at me, as some people do, but I never plan to be that naive. People learn from experience, don't they?

Dream, wishes, realization?
There are times when I remember my dream. And there are times when I feel like it's a De Javu when my dream happens in my real life. Anyway, I dreamt of someone yesterday. So special. Feel as though it's real. Yet it's not. Maybe becoz I miz him. The strange thing is that it happened when me, my housemates, and Yenny (a girl who visits us now) slept in the living room, for real. And in that dream, he was there with us all. Weird.
Btw, so glad to have Yenny here. She is so much fun. So herself. She lives in Gipppsland, 2 hours from the city of Melbourne. She is staying with us, maybe for a week before she goes back to the MOO MOO land (That's what she calls her Gippsland's University. Why? According to her, she can see cows everywhere..that's why it's MOO MOO ;)

June

...

2006-02-16T23:07:00.000+11:00

No one to talk to when I need someone to be physically there
Even there is someone, it just isn't right
No one can help me except myself, coz no one can understand me fully
Just confused and lost
Want to tell myself, nothing is impossible in this world..yet I can't prove that yet.
Feeling so down, but I will not let this tears fall!
Want to run away, I can't.
Want to hide, there's no room to hide.
Want to make myself a relief, I can't.
Want to disappear, I can't.
Sorry I can't have my positive thinking now.

Bits and pieces

2006-02-16T11:49:00.000+11:00

Went to have dinner with Fadhilah and Renny yesterday night. Two old friends from my Foundation study in RMIT 3 years ago. They are both going back for good next month. We went to eat Japanese and continued with Choco Fundae @ Max Brenner, just like heaven. Choco is always irresistable. Another farewell is coming soon :(

Finally I found the book I have been longing since Nov last year. The book called No Excuses by Kyle Maynard. Although I haven't finish reading, I would say, it's a MUST read. This book is about a 20-years-old man with his arms that end at the elbows and legs that end at the knees. It thought me that 'Nothing is impossible' in this world. What an inspiring story. When he made no excuses for his potential disability. Can't wait to finish the book.

My awareness is extremely intense. Something distracts me everytime I want to post a new entry in this blog. If I write too much, I might offend someone whom I mention in my entry. I have no intention to. Think, I was wrong at the first place to have exposed my blog. Coz, regardless of them judging me (I am over that stage), I don't want to offend them at all. Or make them feel uncomfortable with my honest expression.

Everyone around me now may not be able to support me as much as I wish they could now. Coz maybe some part of me is not doing the right thing. Yes, support is there, but they also don't want to let me down. I know what I am doing, and have to bare with the consequences. Of course, poeple hope for a happy ending. But at the same time, if things to do with feelings or maybe Love, U can't have it logically. I will just cherish the moment I have. Maybe I look like a fool, or too easy going. Too easy to go with the flow..yet, I never want to regret without trying. As long as I know when and where to 'stop'.

June

Silent Valentine

2006-02-14T23:17:00.000+11:00

Dear Irene..Happy Valentine's Day! Hope U had a great day today. I met up with Jennifer, after for more than 1 month I went back home for holiday. She looks pretty. Her hair undoubtly grows faster than I thought. Yet, she is really good. Went to have dinner with Shannon too, at the Lounge , great meals! Love the Pizza. Not too expensive too.

Anyway, on Valentine's day, I had my enrolment for my course. My God, I think, I am being more racist now...oupsie. Just a little bit. Can't stand those people who are easily freaked out with the system in the computer. Well, maybe I was like that when I first came to Melb, couldn't blame anyone. Went to the bank in the afternoon. And when I was walking on the street, I came across there were a lot of people either holding rose or walking with their partners. Envy, yes, a little bit. To anticipate this feeling, I told myself, I can be happy around the people who cherish me and love me the way I am. Maybe I am longing for someone, but I can't ask for more, can I?

A mixture of feeling at the moment. I wish I could...If only it could be...If only people don't have expectations within themselves. If only Love is simple, as simple as a white T-shirt with a name on it. If only those sacrifices worth..

Happy Valentine to everyone who's just finished reading this entry. May we share our love unconditionally..

June
11.33pm (melb time)

Back in Melb

2006-02-12T21:29:00.000+11:00

Welcome back to Melb.So so excited to start Uni later this month. I am going to do Master of Accounting. Actually there's a fear within me. I miscalculate everything lately, really bad with numbers :( I'll do my best though, hopefully I can get it.
My housemates came and picked me up in the Airport that morning. Jackson rented a car and drove them to the Airport. Thanks a lot. Really appreciated that and felt appreciated too.

Been back for 2 days. Missing home and my Dog, Ricky. Who's gonna feed him at lunch time now? And who's gonna make stupid jokes just to make the family laugh? Who's gonna help my mum out (though just a little bit) with the household stuffs? Although there were some annoying things in Medan, remember the phrase "Home sweet home". I wonder how I can cope if one day I have to leave Melb and go back to Medan for good. It can be the biggest challenge I can think of now. Love Melb too much, yet another half of me is in Medan.

Another thing that I am experiencing now is my life without some of my closest friends. Used to have some close friends, but now they are back for good to their home countries. I hate farewell as much as I hate cigarette/smoker. At the end of the day, nothing is absolute. I know that. Irene girl, good luck with everything U'll have in KL now. So gonna miss U..

Conflicts are inevitable. I thought it's easy to live with someone U have already known for ages. Someone who is considered to be your close friend. It's HARD. I know people have different personalities. I would prefer to avoid rather than be a selfish girl. If I can tolerate yet not afraid to speak out my mind..think it's a fair deal. It's HARD when it's not my problem, at the same time, I am stuck in it. Hope this won't have affected me later when I start my UNI. I can't stand the loudness or the tension in the house while I need to concentrate on my study as the same time.

He turned 17

2006-02-05T19:30:00.000+11:00

Originally it was on the 3rd Feb, but we decided to have the party on the 4th (Sat night).

Now I know, how stressing U could be to be some sort of 'event organizer'. I helped my lil Bro to arrange a Bday celebration for himself. I bought the cake for him in the afternoon. Had a list of friends that he would invite. I didn't know anyone listed though, thus it's harder for me to tick those who had or hadn't come on the night. Tradionally, Medan guests will never come on time. We could only start the party 1 hour late. Lucky, there's no exclusive presenter that night.

I like it when everything is settled. And have to admit, I like to do everything myself. I realise that sometimes I can be 'scary' too. It was a mess when the manager of the restaurant Hanamasa wanted to count how many people were there (Coz it's a Buffet). Though I had the list, but it's the procedure I guess. Some of the friends weren't on their seat, that's why it's getting a bit hard. Nvm..

Mum and Dad were there too, along with my Aunts and lil cousins. I was supposed to eat with my family too that night. I didn't. Too occupied with myself I guess. Can't think of any food to fill my empty stomach ;) Regardless of the stressing moments I had that night, I did enjoy the process a lot.
PS: I fulfilled my goals. Went back home this holiday to celebrate both my Sis and Bro's Bday. Have my CNY with my family..DONE!

Current situation:
: Missing someone special
: Missing Melb city and all the routines I have there
: Thinking about my girls (in KL and Melb)..what's up?
: Trying hard to act wisely..and never take anything for granted

June

More updates

2006-02-04T19:48:00.000+11:00

In less than 1 week, I'll be back in Melb.
Here are some more updates I have in Jan 2006:
: Spent my Chinese New Year with my beloved family
: A lot of 'disagreement' with my family members, Yeah..sadly
: Went to KL for 5 days, Great friends great time! Thanks for giving me the chance to..
: Met up with old friends in Medan, after CNY. Including some special ones.
: Did some household stuffs, coz the maid is gone.
: In transformation mode..
: more more more...(to be continued when I am back)

Some updates

2005-12-28T14:58:00.000+11:00

Currently in Medan, my home town. I've met my dad.

I've missed Melbourne badly. Including all the people there.
Feeling confused and idle in Medan. Can't really go anywhere, anytime with whoever I want to. Well, fortunately, I have my loved ones here. That helps.

Read Irene's blog. Feeling a lil bit weird. When I go back to Melb, I won't have this beloved friend to go out with on Friday night no more, or have coffee time with Elina and Steph :(
ANyway, Irene, if U are reading this..U know how much I will miss U..but I hope U have ur best in Malaysia. I do.

The best is yet to come, isn't it? Last week, I had a fight with someone I love the most in this world. My mum. I was rude and I think I insulted her with my words. I am sorry mum! I rather kill myself than seeing her sad again. People change, but I know, I need to justify this in front of my mum. Coz for her, I am always her lil daugther. Understood..Really.

June

My mum's trip in Melbourne

2005-12-17T23:09:00.000+11:00

Finally, after 2 1/2 years in Melbourne with no family members in Melbourne, I have my mum visit me for my Graduation. So so so happy. I am a Graduate *winks*. I think, I was not too excited about the graduation itself. Maybe a lil bit. What amazed me was the fact that I was so excited to have my mum in Melbourne. First up on the list, I wanted to show her where I work, Nandos . Not until the last day when we had dinner at Nandos, I knew that mum loves the Chicken Thighs Fillets with Rib sauce and Extra Hot sauce, rather then the normal 1/2 Chicken. HHmm...if only I knew it earlier.

My beloved mum is a conservative mum. She is sometimes reserved. It's either because of her inability to communicate in English or she is shy. Touring around Melbourne with her was quite exhausting though. If I could feel tired, I am sure she was more tired than me. The places she loves most maybe is Big W , a retail store selling everything from chocolates, kitchenware, electronics to appliances. She is the typical mum, loves to see and browse every single rows filled with kitchenwares. Haha.

On her first day in Melbourne, mum has bought my Dad a black leather hat. For him to wear while riding his Harley, maybe. How cool is that? I guess, they both are really dependent and attached to each other. She was concerned when she found out one night dad slept at 8pm, which was really rare. "Just tired or was he sick?".

On the graduation day. I met up with Irene's and Valene's gank @ Bowen Lane in RMIT to take picture with our graduation gawns. Woohoo..finally. 1st round was at 11.30 am. And the second round was at 5.30 pm, when we met up again before we headed off to Telstra Dome , where the graduation ceremony was held.
Picture session was sooo much fun. I love to see how expressive Irene and her mum are. Secretly, I envy them, just a lil bit. Coz I can never ask mum to take 'funny' or 'crazy' pictures..Hehe. Nvm..I love Mum the way she is. On the night, I could feel my nerve. And I knew Mum was soo tired too plus bored. Coz the whole thing took more than 2 hours. But I am glad to see her chatting with Irene's mum ;), at least they can get along well. I had a great night. Took pictures with Liz, Marion, Auskar, Gavin, the gals and some others.

On her last day in Melbourne, I took her to iKea. She loves most of the things displayed in the showroom. But she said she couldn't buy them all, coz it's not possible to take back home. She loves the Spoka lights. She bought 3 in different colors and shapes. Red, Blue and Green. They are damn cute.

Despite her hesitancy to hug me, especially in the airport that night, overall I spent the last few days full of love ;)

June

Quickly

2005-12-12T16:54:00.000+11:00

I will have to renew my Visa back in Indo. I went to the International Office this morning. As always, they can Never help. I just hope that the application goes well, and in 2 weeks time, they can process my application. The sooner the better. I can get my eCOE and I can apply for a new Visa.
Went to Melb Uni too to find out more Info about Biomedical Engineering. Maybe, that's the one for my Bro if he really comes next year. 4 years though..hhmm..

Lately, I have been too relax. Besides catching up with friends, running around for no special reasons. Need some more motivations. Been telling myself, I need to work out, and at the end, I never do. OUps.

Needing someone. I have miss the moment I have someone with me. Now I am listening to a song by Savage Garden, called Santa Monica . So so relaxing. But my favourite is still Truly Madly Deeply . If Only I really experience that in real life. Deeply in love with someone to the extend that I would do anything for the love I feel for him. Is there anything called the 'undemanding' love in the universe?

June

The evil side of me

2005-12-10T18:38:00.000+11:00

Yesterday night, Jen stayed over my house. She had drinks with her friends and also with Shannon. This morning I woke up with guilt. I could have given the key to her, so I wouldn't need to wake up in the middle of the night to open my apartment door for her. Which I don't mind..Really! After talking to Jack and Jim this afternoon while I was working, they made me think, I don't trust my friend enough. Why can't I give the key to Jen yesterday night? I feel terribly bad the whole afternoon. I do trust my friend, but sometimes I find myself a little too protective and anti-social..maybe. This is the evil side of me which sometimes freaks me out too. I apologize if I have been a bad person, a bad friend.

I couldn't ask for more. I spent almost a day with Ant last Thursday. He came at 10.30 am, pretty early. I thought, I would be going with him to see his Boss. It's all cancelled. So, the whole day is just for us. We ate lunch @ Paramount. Went to the $9 Lunch Box, Korean..Yum2. Then we walked all the way to Federation Square and took pictures of Xmas decorations in Melb. Got back home and rested for a while..*winks*..and went to Uni with Ant coz he had some stuffs to do. I enjoy the time I have with Ant so much. At least for now, for this year, for these few days before I go back to Indo.

Now I am trying hard to survive with my tight budget. Till my mum comes on Tuesday morning. I don't know why I am not that excited as I thought I would be. Maybe it's becoz my mum herself is not that excited for her 5 days trip to Melb for my graduation. For her, it might be a responsibility as a MUM. I understand that. Coz I am not the only child in the family. Mum has other concern that is more important than my graduation. Indeed, that's real. Money maybe the other hassle. Next year, my younger Bro is going to Uni. That means more money to spend. When I think about it, my Mum and Dad seem to have no choice to choose from YET. They still need to 'support' us. Regardless of what the situation is, I love them the way they are.
Current situation: Trying hard to stand up on my own feet..

June

Dinner @ Irene's

2005-12-07T20:49:00.000+11:00

I had an exclusive dinner at Irene's house yesterday night. Her mum cooked dinner for the girls and Andy (Irene's bro). So YUM! I love it. Mum's cooking is always the best. I really can't wait till my mum comes next Tues. After the dinner, I had a lil chat with Irene, there are many surprising updates though. Hhm...we'll continue this Friday. Anyway, the weather was terribly bad. Rain and thunderstorm. Lucky I got home early yesterday night. Unless I would be caught out in the heavy rain which I hate most.

Last Monday, went out for dinner with Jimmy, Jackson and some other Nandos friends. There are some other Nandos chicks too. We went to play pool @ Kingpin in Melb Central. One of the girls had 3 shots of tequila..Wow..Impressive. After pool, we went to Strike @ QV. Instead of playing bowling, I was just watching.

Anyway, I spent $20 on FLowers. Believe it or not. This time around, I'll make sure that they will last for at least 1 week. I love decorating my house, but still, my house is quite a mess.

GEM. I have never heard of this word till one day Gavin, one of my Uni friends, described me as an unpolished Gem. What a compliment. *winks*. I wish I can still see him although he is going back for good to SIngapore soon.

San, she is going to US for sure. I am happy for her, at last she can go to US, to fulfill her wish. Yet at the same time, I know, I will lose another friend. next year will be a challenging year for sure. No Irene, Valene, Gavin, Aries and San in Melbourne. Or maybe other 'close' friends that might not be 'gone' too.

June

'Wait and see'

2005-12-04T11:14:00.000+11:00

My blog constantly reveals my personal life and feeling, while others might dedicate their blog for the project they are working on, like Ant. Sometimes I envy him, coz he has so much passion in Lights and design. Maybe my best is yet to come..so, I'll just 'wait and see'..Haha

I have been living by myself for the last 4 days. I wouldn't say it is not boring. I guess, my own character allows me to enjoy this quiet time. As a middle child, this is what I feel. Lonely, left out and have to be independent, coz no one really care. I am not that pathetic though. It's just a cliche. I might be selfish sometimes towards my older sister and my younger brother. I bet, they were constantly pissed off by me. It was me. I couldn't turn back time. But if I have another chance, I would be like to be a more loving sister back then.

IKEA. Ant came and kept me company last Thursday. And we went to Ikea the next day. Before Ikea though, we went to hand in my application form to Artistic Food , the catering company for Commonwealth Games I mentioned before. It was raining..hhmm..and...tick tick..grandma umbrella..HAha.
Back to Ikea. I always love to go to Ikea. So much fun! Love to see the furniture, the bedroom sample with different design..WOW, I couldn't even pick one for my favorite yet. HHmm...Simple design, looks expensive and elegant. It's the best. Me and Ant bought a small table light, called Spoka . So cute. To turn it ON or OFF, U just need to press their heads *winks*. O yeah, not to forget, Ant took a picture for me with the 'superstar_light'. The mirror with all the light around it, normally when the superstar is getting their make up done. Wuah..feel like a star for 10 seconds *winks** Ant left my house at about 7.30 pm, after such a long day with this talkative lady. OUps

I had my dinner by myself. And later that night, Jen came over to put her stuffs before she headed off to the club. And came home a lil bit tipsy at 12.30 am. Lucky I didn't wait coz I was sooo tired. Hehe.

Another chapter of my heart. Now, I am really enjoying myself. I couldn't hide it. Neither good in expressing myself nor good in hiding my happiness when that someone is around. I might not be in a healthy situation now, but I also don't want to restrict myself to feel alive again. The consequences exist and I am aware of those. I only wish that, I can be as strong as I think I can be and be responsible of my actions.

June

Officially Alone

2005-12-01T12:33:00.000+11:00

Valene's Birthday was on Tuesday, Nov 29. With Irene and Jen, we all started with Kimchi lunch @ Paramount Food Court in China town. It was the cheapest I could get with my favourite side dishes. And at night, we went to the Koko restaurant @ Crown. Eating Japanese food, it's kinda a challenge for me. It's not I couldn't eat or I don't like eating. I am in the process of learning. Back in Indo, I hardly ate Japanese food except Sushi. Cooked Sushi rolls. Ha2. I don't care about the food that night. What I love most and I treasure was the moment I had with the girls. I can't believe it, today is the 1st of December. Next year, it will be so much different. One by one..they are all leaving.

On that night, San called me from HK. I didn't realised till I got home and checked my diary, it was her birthday too. I felt terribly sorry. I am a really bad friend. But I do and seriously do wish San a happy Birthday, and I need to tell her, I will really miss her next year when she goes to US.

All my housemates are back in Indo now. That's why..I am officially alone for the coming few weeks. It's a challenge. Ant says that he will keep me company when he can. That's good enough. And I have Fadhilah and Gavin came and visit me yesterday. It was fun.
Btw, I had my Graduation Gawn collected yesterday. WOW...it's too big. And I went back to change to the size S, so I won't look too much like Harry Potter. I look soo funny with that gawn though.

I got a Job! I was sooo happy. Never feel so alive before. I realise that I can never initiate myself to do so. To apply a job, I am too passive compared to people around me. Need to stop comparing, coz June is Juni. Yet, It's really hard not to. Honestly.
I will not work till March next year, at the Commonwealth Games , helping the caterers. Thanks Ant!

Gavin came over yesterday night. He stayed over at my house doing homework that is overdued. OMG. I knew that I couldn't help much. All I can do is support him, I guess. We had dinner together. Chatted for quite a while. I was like a mum, kept bugging him to do work. Hopefully, I wasn't being too 'annoying'..

Btw, Yesterday night, all of a sudden, I feel that I have an emotional pain in my heart. I felt that there's something wrong with me. Is it sadness, loneliness or guilt? It's really hard for me to choose, to be true to myself and sentimental at the same time. Or to be realistic and not let myself go with the flow. I would love to treasure every second I have filled with happiness. Potentially, there'll be regrets. Black and White, it doesn't apply in me. There'll be always the grey area which is never clear. I am always 'trapped' in the middle. It is thus how people may think that I am indecisive and that I think too much. I can make myself happy, can't I? As long as, I am responsible of what I do, I am happy with that. If I have to suffer I can still survive. I have to be tough enough ;)

June

One sentence is never enough

2005-11-25T23:01:00.000+11:00

I stayed over Jen's house yesterday night. Met Jen's mum for the first time. She is not as what I have expected her to be, she is much more loving and such as an easy-going mum. This morning, she drove us all to the Cuckoo restaurant up at Dandenong. It was a nice German buffet restaurant. If only I can eat that much. And that restaurant left me with one thing, I want the Cuckoo clock..it was so classy and cute ;) Went shopping with the girls after the lunch, and guess what, me and Irene bought a CD, with great French Stars of the 30s and 40s, La Vie Parisienne .

Btw, on Thrusday I had lunch with Gavin. The big protective brother. It was a nice feeling, to know what I can actually help him. I am really worried about his Uni work right now, which is 'undone' yet. I hope, I can help..don't want to be too bossy though.

Last Tuesday was Karni's Bday. An unpleasant surprise from her early morning on her Bday. But lucky, in the end the day, the surprise party Jackson has planned worked. Ant, Jimmy and Linda came too. It was good. I do hope, Karni will be more mature in her 21st. Hopefully, she changes gradually, do be less 'unstable' and be more 'loveable'. Ha2. Love her the way she is though.

My feeling now. I think Karma works. Believe it or not. Now, I am experiencing the uncertainty that guys normally feel. You can't clap hands with only one hand. Both hands have to contribute. It's soooooo easy to say, but it's hard to do. I think, I am in a crisis with my own feeling now. I want to believe in my feeling that I like someone, but too afraid to get hurt too. Am I letting myself fall into a hole full of roses with their thorns.
I always want to ask "What am I to U?" while I know the answer to that question. I don't want to be anyone's GF! Not asking for a relationship, though it might seem like it. But I don't! I just need to clarify what's going on. It's not a social responsibility I have to fulfill. It's just a self-justification for myself. I need to know where I stand, and whether I should stand there...or I should 'free' myself? but deep inside my heart, I know I unconciously build my hope. Which I should not be doing right now. I can't ask anyone's help. Who can help me is myself.

June

My first time

2005-11-19T18:28:00.000+11:00

There will be always the 'first time' for everything. And this morning, I was late to work. I woke up at 12 am, and I was supposed to work at 12am. Oups..I blamed the alarm clock on my mobile phone..Lucky Jimmy was the manager in charge, and He knew I would have come. I called him, and let him know, I would be there in 1/2 hour. And I did, after my quick shower..hehe. I was starving though, with no breakfast and lunch..

Anyway, I had so much fun yesterday in KNox City. Alive again. I don't know how to explain, but I was just soooo happy. got there around 3pm. Knox City Shopping Centre and I ended up buying nothing in the end of the day. Instead of shopping, we went to watch SAW 2 , smart but depressing movie. Had a nice dinner in a restaurant, forgot what it's called, a cousin of Mecca Bah restaurant in Dockland. NIce..I love the Pizza..Yum2.
O yeah...Ant was with us. It was so much fun. Now, everyone met everyone.

Continue (updated on the 21/Nov) ..I shouldn't be procastinating. Every time I post an entry, I hardly can recall what I want to write. Either it has been a while..or coz I am too conscious that people are gonna read this. This is not the first time though.

Btw..working at Nandos sometimes is stressful. Yesterday night, there was a thief in the restaurant. One customer lost his bag. Sometimes, I don't know who to blame. Who would leave their bag on the floor, definitely not me. Then should I blame the customer who was not careful, or myself who was not aware of the situation when I should have had? I was upset the on that night, I felt bad. But nothing I could do.

June

Overwhelmed

2005-11-18T10:28:00.000+11:00

Officially, I have moved in QV, my new home in the city of Melbourne. The housewarming party was on last Satuday, Nov 12. Everyone came, especially all the Indo friends. Not my closest friends too. I wish the gals were there, though it was too late when I realized I didn't tell them properly about this housewarming party. Felt terribly bad. Btw, Ant, Jim & Linda came :). One more extra fun was Yenny, a girl I knew last June. She is soooooooo like a housemate, wish she is. Had so much fun with her for the last 1 week. Thanks for the stories..and also 'advices'.

Last Monday, I watched Elizabethtown with Ant. Not too bad. Went to see the Myer windows display. And had a dinner with Ant and friends, coz Kaz was leaving the next day. I tasted a tiramisu in a pub, the alcohol is sooo strong. Long day..and 7 hours 'out'side the house *winks*

Fiji Time

2005-11-07T21:36:00.000+11:00

BULA........
(That's the Fijian way of greeting). Couldn't believe it, I am back from Fiji. Though, there were some ups and downs, it was so much fun. Four Chicks rocked Hideaway Resort in Fiji. Haha

In Fiji, there are some phrases that U will always hear. 1st up is "BULA", it's how U greet people. It's like saying "Hello". Though it can mean "Bless U" once people sniff. The 2nd one is "It's Fiji Time" which indicates that there's no rush in Fiji. It's Ok to lay back and relax..Wow. Then, "Vinaka" which means Thank You.

6 days 5 nights, just perfect. We went to Namuamua village on the 2nd day, where the traditional food called Palusami was served.
Next is the Tivua island, with the Captain Cook Cruise..It's not in the postcard, it's in my Camera, it's the real paradise.Haha..
Then went to Suva where we did our 5 hours non-stop shopping. Tiring though. Along the way, visited the president house with the guard and the parliament house. Last trip was the Cave where I saw the Cannibal Oven...hhmm. So amazing. Can't believe I did those all.

Lucky we all can survive after the tight budget..Haha. Struggling with instant noodles on the last day. The last night we had in Fiji would be the best night. All the girls dressed up in Sulu , the traditional sarong ...it's just a piece of cloth. Hhmm..thanks Valene for the individual specially styled Sulu..With those Sulu, there's no doubt the girls were the central of attention in the resort..Woohoo..Got to know some Aussie blokes, Gavin & Clinton..HHmm..Nice and sweet compared to other drunk ones. Haha..

Too excited to recall all the memories. I did my first Snorkelling with the gals, first crazy night in the resort, got a bit tipsy..and first time when I could say 'I don't care'. Within that 6 days, I missed Mr. Ant, which I shouldn't be.

Should there be any boundary?

2005-10-24T21:48:00.000+10:00

Caution: this post is about feeling, relationship..If U are not in that mood, please skip ;)

Does history repeat? I live my life today, but then I realize that I am afraid of my past. Afraid that the same bad history will repeat itself. And I am sure, the pain will double this time around.

Honestly, the past week has given my 'used-to-have' life. I find myself hypnotized by the attention someone new has given me. He is for real, not virtual as MR. 28. Though it has only been a week I know him, it feels like a month. Probably becoz we talk a lot. Well, what can I say? I am so upfront and I couldn't think of the reason why I am. It's just a good feeling to have this kind of affection I have been longing for ages.

I don't know where this is going. Honestly I don't. It might be to fast to jump into any conclusion. I am NOT going out with him though. As what my friends have been telling me, that I have to 'BE CAREFUL'.

I am wondering, should there be any boundary in a relationship? I am not sure where we are going, but can I just let everything flow the way it is? Should there be any rules? For example, people need to have a 'friendship-base' relationship before they go any further. This is to prevent the aftermath of the potential break-up in the future. Who plan to break up anyway?
But it's quite true, that it is either you continue until the marriage, or you'll break up, Only becoz U don't have any friendship base relationship, Rather because He likes U as a future-GF. How can I justify this? Coz it's easy to put the theory in, but to act upon it..it's Hard.

Not only I am named a 'Worrier',I guess I am. Now, typing this message, I think about my past relationship too. Am I too afraid to risk again? The past relatinship with a new stranger that had left me with an uncurable wound, which traumatize me now. I don't want any Dejavu in this. About letting-go too, should I be carefree to let my EX know what I am experiencing something new? Should I worry about him accepting this? Or am I being too 'thoughtful' on his behalf. I do worry about a lot of things. I worry that I do something wrong, or say something wrong. AS the results, I will 'lose' what I have had. Everytime now, when I have the free-time, I keep asking myself, "the last time I chatted with him, did I say this or that? Is he now thinking about my flaws?..etc". I guess, my biggest fear now is Judgement. It really is.

Today: Handed my last PR assignment. Work 12-3pm @ Nandos (no one cute came though, Haha). Finished work and have a 'trip'. Max Brenner-Swanston St walk-sunshine-Federation Square-chit chat-Tram/Train-Home...Haha. It's a Looooooooooooong story ;)
And I still have one more Essay due this Friday..then Fiji. And 'After-Fiji' plan is also waiting for me..

June

Within the last 2 weeks

2005-10-19T14:54:00.000+10:00

Life is so short. I have only 2 weeks left in my Prof Comm degree. There are 3 more things and I am DONE. It's exciting yet sad. This means, I have less and less time with Irene, for example..which I try hard not to think. I always hate farewell..I promise, I will make the Fiji trip the best trip I (hopefully the girls too) have ever had. And second one would be the Honeymoon whoever will have it first amongst the girls..Hehe.

Went to Irene's house yesterday for an unplanned lunch. Nando's chicken wings and 'Sex & the City' were in the menu for that day ;) Had the girls' talk on Tuesday afternoon. There were some ONs with the girls' secret admirers..Woo hooooo...it was a good thing to actually share. Lately, I have been sharing too much things to people other than myself. Sometimes I feel like I am 'naked' when people know my story. Hehe..i think I am exaggerating. But I have to say, no one 'force' me to be that chatty..I choose it myself.

This morning, I got some work done. Yay! I did half of my essay on Sex & Gender in Asia, like 50%. It's due not until the 28 Oct though. I am glad that i can kick my arse, really get things done in time. Thanks for the motivation Mr. ANT. I am really glad that he is so 'hard-working' too and busy..Haha.

Recently, I ask myself, "Was I too protective sometimes?" or "I am sometimes too naive to know the distinction I need to know?" Had a long chat with Jimmy (one of my best Managers) yesterday and it was a nice chat. Although he is no more single since I knew him, but talking to him gave me a good feedback on myself. Yeah, I am always aware I need to know the limit. I love the feeling to be cared of and appreciated as who I am, yet sometimes I worry too much. As ANT says, I am a worrier (also a LMOAS)..Ha2. My new nickname ;) ANT is a guy I knew from Linda's Bday party 2 weeks ago. He is a great guy. I might not know him well enough to describe him, but what I can say now is he is a good, talented in Graphic Designing, hard-working, and a Big Brother->fullstop. I believe that the best is yet to come.

The major concern I have now is whether my Mum will actually be able to come to the graduation dated Dec 14. There's still no confirmation sadly. Sure I need to know it by this week, coz the confirmation of attendance is on the 28th Oct, and I need to know who are coming to my graduation. Sometimes I envy those parent who can come and go so often to visit their Children. If not often, at least Once. I wish my parent can come here, at least once, really want them to see the place where their self-centered-second-daughter has spent for the last 2 1/2 years.

June

Dinner with San & Diana

2005-10-12T23:01:00.000+10:00

I spent my Wednesday quite relaxingly. I had the last tute for my Sex & Gender in Asia tute. Went to Melbourne UNiversity to borrow some books that I couldn't find in my own Library. Then, spent the afternoon in the computer Lab where I supposed to have done some work...but ended up did only 'some' work.

Earlier this week, I planned for a dinner with San, a girl doing Public Relations course @ RMIT. This dinner is for her, before she goes back to HK this Saturday. San is such a smart, hard-working girl. Passionate in PR industry and she is planning to 'transfer herself' to U.S for further study in Public Relations. Thumbs up for her Passion. I envy her for this actually..of course in a positive way though. I wish I could have had something that I can want to achieve, aim for, plan for, go for. Initially, if she makes up her mind and go to U.S, this dinner might be the last dinner we have had. We went to ITO, a Japanese restaurant on Bourke Street, and after that head off for desert, actually venezuela milk chocolate @ Max Brenner. For sure we took pictures. One more thing about San that I wouldn't forget, we did the Communication Law & Regulation presentation once this semester and we both fought back for what we thought we deserve on the marking Process...wow, from 20 to 25, out of 30, which is more than satisfactory...Cool San!! I wouldn't have done that without her :)

On the other hand..Diana..another mature girl from Singapore. She is so knowledgeable, smart and assertive. She knows what she is doing. Three of us had a long chat, yeah..girls' talks which include the problems with having BF or ex-BF, cat-fight among siblings (especially girls) and also my dream job..MTV. Indeed, she is really helpful. Let's hope that Diana really can help me with my journey to MTV.

Well, got home around 10.30 pm. Let's agree with this.."Mums have the absolute six sense". My mum, who never call unless I make the first attempt to sms or call back home, indeed called me. Then, she found out I wasn't at home earlier...Oups. Anyway, there is always bad news from my beloved hometown. My mum updated me. Sadly, her friend had just been hypnotized and robbed. And one other bad news is my oldest auntie is now not in a good condition, she might need to stay in hospital becoz there is a complication of diseases. What can i do? Hopefully, things get better..

My Housemates. I chatted with Yang for 20 minutes, and he was giving me a lot of advices. Asking me to plan ahead what I want to do, at least for the coming 2 years. I felt so appreciated. Btw, tomorrow my housemates are leaving Melbourne. Yang (the BF)is going to stay in Sydney for good. Ching2, his GF, is going back on Monday and she will really leave Melbourne next month. And when that happens, officially I will not have them as my housemates no more. I used to think, people always have profound bond with their housemates. Ur housemates are like your family. Indeed, we don't really share 'everything' to each other like what housemates should be, and probably we might not know each other 100%ly. Yet, personally, I care and love them a lot. I wonder if the 'unblended' situation that has been happening for the past one year is due to the fact that I am not really good in expressing myself as a good housemate. I never want to be an ideal housemate, but i wish I could have had a more proper, close, 'opened', upfront relationship with them.

Anyway,
Nb: Thanks for reading

June

Limousine, Champagne, Ball..what a night

2005-10-07T20:55:00.000+10:00

I had so much fun. After the crazy week with with two assingments due on the same day, at last I was able to enjoy the night. Initially, we (the girls) had been hunting for dress, what to wear that night..when I thought about that, it was like preparing ourselves going to a red-carpet event where U will be asked 'where did U get this wonderful dress, and who did ur hair..etc' ..Haha, feel like superstars Hey!!

It's not exaggerating..but I enjoyed the night a lot. This is my first Ball *winks* It seemed like a little girl longing for a chocolate-milk-bar..Haha. It started with the limousine. Irene and friends had decided that we would hire a limousine, drive around for 1/2 hour and then go the South Atlantic Wharf, the venue for the Ball. Wuah..what a glamorous white limousine..feel like a star. WE had champagne as a 'starter'..hhmm...everyone was still sober by the time we arrived at the Ball.

Next, the Ball. I took sooooo many pictures with my Uni mates ;) While taking those pics, I realised that I might not see them after graduation this December. First, the gorgeous Stephanie..I love her. She is one of the most friendly Aussies I've ever met. And, what she wore that night, was the best dress that night. There were also Auskar (the even organiser -> always the best), Marion (the lovely and amazing Marion), Gavin and his gank. And of course, my own gank..the Gals + Krystal, Franco and Richie.

From slow jazz music to the clubbing music, it's almost perfect. Not to forget, there were a lot of people kinda 'making out' that night, hhmm.. What a surprise. Well, I guess, it's the alcohol. There were lots of half-sober people, and Jen was the one who always says "She's drunk" or "He's gone" after having a 30 chat with 'them'. I wonder, "how can U tell? Teach me!" :)

The food was good..although I could hardly finish each meal I had that night. And also, after the Ball..we went to the 'after party' @ Lotel, St Kilda. HHmm..the party bus with the disco lights, wow everyone was dancing like they were already in the club. :)

Overall, no regrets for spending more than $200 for the Ball..hhmm..yap, excuse me.

June

Deep condolence

2005-10-02T12:06:00.000+10:00

There is nothing worst than bad news from my home country, Indonesia. I could hardly complain, but that's the way it is. It's either shortage of petrol, electicity or the terrorist bombing which always shakes the country. Big condolence for those suffer from the attack..I can only pray. It's bizzare. There was a bomb blast yesterday night (1/Oct/2005) and it hit Bali for the second time within 3 years. Yeah..again :( I wonder when multicultural country like Indonesia (HHmm..too much philosophy) can actually have a peaceful day where eveyone lives in harmony. Why there are always problems each day in Indonesia? Not to forget that my family is in Indonesia..It's kinda I have to always have the mental preparation. Coz I have to expect the unexpected to happen. Still remember the hollowing earthquakes after the Tsunami..hhmm...I hardly dare to recall those terrible anecdotes I had. I can only hope. Please bless all the people I love and my beloved family in Indonesia..couldn't ask for more.

Well, this is the worst thing that fill my last day of holiday. Tomorrow, I have to start kick my arse off..Do assignments..and officially there's no more holiday. Within a month, everything should be done..and I am graduating. And Fiji is waiting for this stubborn yet lovely girl..wakakka...just kidding.

Btw..I have been coughing again. Real bad. And the funny thing is that, when sister called yesterday..she is back in Medan, Dad says he will call tonight. SO, I have to make sure, I am fine by then..which is impossible..I reckon. Well, it's nice..but sometimes 'frustrating'..:) Love U dad!!
I start to worry about my health now..am I that 'weak'. I never sick and refused to be sick (Yeah, Martin will say 'what the hell are U thinking, stop denying that!)..Hehe..I assume he will say that btw. Two days ago, 2.08 a.m. I made a suden phone call, just to inform or at least talk to someone. And I didn't know why I did that. Most probably..coz I thought I was dying..but whether I was concious or not..I was scared to death that I'll die from that cough. Hope that this is the first and the last..It's just too scary.

Currently, the sun shining and the local temperature is 20. I guess, I better enjoy the day..It's the perfect weather to be out there..probably beach, but no sun bathing for me..:)

June

So near, yet so far

2005-09-27T22:28:00.000+10:00

Today is a relax day. Did some work, research for my Communication Law Essay due Next Thurs and went to Gym for 2 hours :) Honestly, there's no one 'HOT' like what people would think I go to Gym for. Btw, I borrowed the dangerous sexy thriller Wicker Park.
Initially, it is a romance movie with mystery. A loving couple were set up, seperated by the 'evil' new stranger. Although time pasts, unconciously they are still bound and crazy about each other so much..hhmm...Josh Hartnett is soooooo cute indeed.

How can U justify your love to someone. By paying attention to every details U have ever had together? Or by enjoying the need to have each other every single day? That's an important question that I was confronted with tonight. She doesn't use words to tell others how much you love him. But, she shows it. So near..yet so far indeed.

June

Included and excluded

2005-09-25T18:59:00.000+10:00

I chatted with Martin yesterday for 1 1/2 hours, hhmm..yeah...too many things to talk about. I hope that his ears now are still capable of hearing. Wakka..He told me everything about what he thinks about Junilla. Ambivalent and selfish..the first two categories that I knew he would have said. I admit it..I am. Trying to be a better person indeed *winks*

Went to Melbourne Show ground on Saturday with Karni, Jackson and his friends. I've been there before, probably that's the reason why I am not too excited. But It was great fun. Coincidently, meet Irene and the gank too..Nice2. In this circumtances, I feel that I am 'included'. That sometimes brings me good mood. Yeah..a real mood-swinger -> ME.

Another 'sad' circumtance, I feel it now (Sat night, 7pm).Why do I need it so much, to be 'included' in a group. Always think,I am independent, am I not? But still, am I not good enough as a human being who needs social acceptance? Or am I someone who is too 'reserved', not opening up, that's why people find it so difficult to have me in the group? Or am I thinking too much? Is it the personality problem, or is it just meant to be like this? Not meant to be in the group, therefore, just let it be? Just accept the faith ?I hate it when all these questions come to me. I start questioning everything. I hate it when I am alone. So worthless.

Now...tick tock tick tock..blurred

C.l.u.b.b.i.n.g

2005-09-25T13:29:00.000+10:00

WooHoo...Clubbing on Friday night, Great Fun. It was raining, and lead us (the gank:Irene, Franco, Krystal, Richie and Valene) to wait till nearly med-night to leave the house...wakaka. I was so surprised when I got into the tram, most of them were already Half-sober :) I wish I could have joined the club earlier that night, hhmm!! I wore the new-black boots I have, HHmm..with mini skirt and black Halter-neck top..hmm..

The club is at Chapel Street,Fiuh....lots of fun. The night was so 'crazy', for me. Although I didn't drink, but dancing was great fun. Still learning though..I didn't care much. Stayed in a group and I got 'molested', hhmm..by the gank. Wakka...I was a bit too sensitive with 'touches' *smile* And also, I told Irene gal a little secret that I had ;) Stayed there till 3.30 a.m..Sooo tired. Met Gavin Ko (my protective Big Brother) and I had my Hug..sstt... I was glad that he was fine. Haven't seen him for ages, I was a bit concerned.

Mr. Cheah kindly drove us home..I had fun, great night, good refreshment...welcome to the transition world *winks*

June

Is this for real?

2005-09-22T20:34:00.000+10:00

Holiday starts, yay..it's the semester break that everyone has been waiting for. I had a presentation this morning. It wasn't the best but I was quite happy. I didn't know what happen, these days, I haven't been really well. Keep coughing..In Class, I volunteered to go first for the presentation. And I left the class at least 3 times..for coughing. Didn't want to interrupt my classmates who were presenting when they got their turn. Sorry Mates!!

Tonight is a cosy night. It will be nice if I am not alone. Well, I wish. Something comes to my mind now. I doubt people can do 100%ly what they say. Would U actually really wish your EX 'good luck' and happy with his/her new someone..do U sincerely mean what U say? Able to get rid of 'bond'? It's hard if the feeling is profoundly bound. Although, there is no official relationship declared..but, for sure, it will be a shock when U hear that your still-loved-one is moving on now..he/she is experiencing a new 'love' life now. What do U think your first reaction will be? Would U really wish he/she the best happy life? Or your heart is actually trying to deny it?

I am lucky enough to bump into Allan tonight. Strange thing happens again....Meeting, patiently waiting..bye2 and Hi again. It's just weird to find that he is chatting few minutes before his meeting in progress. He actually has that time, or let me put it this way..he is willing to have that few minutes between to chat with me. Then he excuses himself..then leaves the conversation properly. What a weird situation. Shouldn't exagerrate the situation but I don't know how to respond. It's just weird to have an older male friend, a mature working man to actually has his precious time for me, this young-Uni-student. How do I actually position him in me. Do I just look at this guy as a guardian, a person who can be there give me advices when I need him to. Or should I not look at him this way. I have to underline this, it feels like a real comfort when this sweet thing happens in one of my mundane life in Melbourne with no BF or Crush. HHmm...is that an excuse?

Tuesday

2005-09-21T12:54:00.000+10:00

Hey2..it's Tueday. I had the most tiring night of the week. Met up with Elina and friends, and guess what, went to Melbourne Central and waited there for more than 1 more to see Cameron Diaz. Yeah..real Cameron Diaz. She was here for her movie premiere 'In her Shoes'. She looked great, nice and elegant *smile* with her black top/dress. This is the first time actually to see a Hollywood star in real life. Haha..though it's not a close up look, but..I saw her indeed.

At night, Richmon (one of my colleagues in Nandos) asked me out. Yeah..thought it's a dinner or what. But then, it wasn't anything interesting. I was 'trapped' in a business review seminar...hhmm....After my whole day Uni..I was so tired. And I am not interested in Business or starting a Business yet. I know what he has no intention to drag me along. It's just because he saw me in Melbourne Central that night..Haha.

O yeah..spending more and more money. I wonder how one day I can earn all the money I have spent, pay it back to my parent. Hhmm..years huh. On Monday, I went and paid for my Fiji trip,costs me more than $1000. Then I paid for this Friday night 'clubbing' (Jennifer is performing) and the Flare dance production in Oct. Also, I have to pay $70 for Communication Ball coming in 2 weeks time..hhmm..well, I do need to have extra shift at Nandos, I guess.

Myself..I haven't been really well for the past week. Keep coughing and couldn't stop it, that's the worst thing. U know when U have the itchy throat and U cough every 5 seconds. U hold ur breath and try hard NOT to cough, but U couldn't. That's what I have now. Hate it to have left the class room so often, so I won't bother other people who are listening to the lectures or tutors. What can I do? Wanting to buy the real cough syrup instead of the fake product they sell in the Chinese Groceries, but..they obviously don't have it now. I really want to be FIT soon.

Thing happens for reason

2005-09-17T21:47:00.000+10:00

I am 'lucky' enough to work at Nandos yesterday night, Yeah...on Friday night. When everyone goes out for party, drinking and I was stuck in the restaurant serving 'half-sober' customers. Well, that's just one of the day. First I thought it would be a horrible night, but it wasn't. I was working with Richmon *smile* and that was fun. Also, Irene gal paid a visit...with her hugs, that made my night worth. Haha..

Today, as usual, I work again. And this special day is Andrew's Affandi Bday. I bought him a Choco-Mud-cake, his favourite. *winks* Although I didn't get to give him a Bday hug, I wish..but I am happy enough to have his happy face. He left early though..since Jimmy needed to leave because of his back pain.

Went home about 6, and surprise2..I saw Mr. 28 online tonight. Yeah..after 1 week of 'disconnection'. We chatted for about 1-2 hour, but with 'off and on' session, oups..the internet problem. It was always nice to have a chat with him. I feel good. Honestly, he always comes with nice words and lines ~~~hhmmmm~~ Although I am not sure of where we are going from here..and the foundation of the relationship is blurry. Sometimes I want to believe that this is faith, but again..it's all too 'unreal'. In fact humans need to treasure every second they are having now. So, should I just enjoy the time I have with him around and appreciate what I have got now without questioning? Here it comes again, question about feeling. I have no clue, yet.

June

L.o.n.e.l.y

2005-09-15T12:26:00.000+10:00

Relaxing week, I wouldn't prefer this. It's not I do not have things to do, well I do. Essays are coming up though :\

Tuesday, the same routine, I met up with Deviani, Elina, Stephani and Irene. Always great fun to have the girls' talk. Haha. Oups, I forget to pay Deviani for the chips though. I owe her #3.25!! After that, went home. And chatted with sister and Martin. Everytime I have the conversation with them, it feels good. I feel that i am not lonely, and I still can have them while I am in Melbourne. Weird. Lack of motivation that Martin claimes he has, makes me think again. Unconciously, I always feel guilty.

On Wednesday, I didn't have a tight schedule for the day. I had one tute in the morning. Went to the last session of Professional series where the mentor taught me how to plan the future, who I am and and what I want to be. That's the most challenging thing I have encountered. I know myself, I always try to avoid the 'planning' part of my life. Not that I don't think about it or care, but it's just..hhmm...I am not ready yet. Yet, I did all the things that the mentor wanted me to start thinking, and I guess, it's a good start.

At night, I have a dinner. This particular dinner lead me thinking why can't I resist the 'temptation'? Since I am alone here, the greatest challenge is the need to have someone's company. It comes again. I have to admit, there are a side of me that other people don't know. I want to reveal it sometimes, but i couldn't take the risk of losing people's faith on me. Isn't that the way U live in this world? The best feeling is to be able to express urself in whatever circumtances U are in. That's how sometimes I think. U are blessed when U have someone/partner who is actually care and understand you regardless of what happens. It's not they tolerate you too much, but U urself always know what they can do anything, includes accepting the good and bad side of you. And no judging. of course I can find this in friends or close family members too...but again, it's a complete different scenario.

I do feel worthless too, sometimes. I know people appreciate me. I guess I am being demanding. But I coulnd't help it. Irene has JRMY, Jen has Mr. Cheah and Valene has MING. Everyone has someone. Jimmy (Nandos), Sister, Vita, etc...almost everyone in my circle of friends, they all have someone. Me? Not technically ::: All these are just thought that I am willing to type. Importantly, I am not suffering though. There won't be gals' night out this Fri..This Sat, September 17, I will have a Bday cake for Andrew.A at Nandos, it should be a minor surprise. Feel sorry of he has to work on his bday. And also, I will be working with Jimmy and friends, so it's be fun.

O yeah, quick update. Allan, the virtual friend I have, is working now, in one of the company in KL. We haven't had the chance to chat no more. But I received his FS mssg today, feel happy for him. He is busy, important thing is he is enjoying every single thing he has now.
Good luck!

June

Housemate..wanted

2005-09-11T18:48:00.000+10:00

My housemates are going to move to Sydney in a couple of months
:( I will miss them a lot, including all their friends. Although I have to say, I am not that close to them, always eat dinner together...or spend much time together, but I feel 'lost' now. They are the people who helped me when I first came to Melb. They see me grow..and always support me, it's true. I chat with them once a week, yeah, I know it's bad. But we always know each other's 'existance' at home, in our own room. So, you know, that's the feeling of being 'attached' too. I will miz them a lot..I won't cry though. Ching2 and Ayang, best supportive housemates.

Then it left me with a big decision to make actually. I have to decide whether I want to stay here, meaning I need to find people to move in with me. Or, I need to start thinking of finding housemates to live in and move out from here. Initially, I hate to change. Yeah, I might not be a dynamic person. Of course I want to be independent and if I can, I will build a new life with my own effort. It's still more than 6 months to have my Bro (Jeffri) to possibly share a unit with me..So, really need to think about housemates at the moment.

O yeah, yesterday I had dinner with Krystal, Franco, Val and Irene :) Great fun. They always know how to entertain. Every five minutes, I will laugh myself out. What do U think? We all went to Carnegie and had Korean food, @ Kimchi Grandma. The food isn't bad. Then went home around 9.30. So cold...and I freezed to death. I am so pleased that I had a great dinner with the 'gank', Haha...

Work work and work. A lot of things to do. I do need to manage my time. The crucial time management!! Well, can I have a sneak of fun though. I hope so.
Martin told me yesterday that he might not be able to go online as often as he normally does. Don't know if I can survive or not. HHmm...so used to his company this time along. But I guess, we'll still can keep in touch.

June

Fell Like typing

2005-09-09T17:44:00.000+10:00

The one and the only sister I have is not single no more now..Haha. Congrats!! U know, U make me more 'desperately lonely' now. Well, I guess, I just need to wait a little bit longer. Love love and love, sometimes I am so sick of that :)

Today, i chatted with Mr. 28 online again. It was great fun. The night before, I felt so sorry for him. The thing was I left in the middle of the conversation. Therefore, he was left confused...poor thing. Sorry mate! I left for unexpected inviation for a chat with my housemate in her room ;) talking about Fiji Trip and Visa issue.

About today. I don't know what am I experiencing now. I have no clue. It is like having this kind of attention that I have been longing for a while. The forbidden expectation unfortunately. But what can I do about it and what can stop this? We agree, to let it flow. But who on earth will agree. About U let it flow with someone who you know virtually, Online? I need to emphasize that nothing's gonna happened. "Thing happens", that what he says. Yeah..but don't make me believe that too much. I never want to be fooled. I have enough for people who like me just for the sake of my appearance. They need me just because I can understand them, cherish them, care about them..but not for the real me. I need them (especially future partner) to be understanding and realistic. What I mean here is that realistically think that I might change, people might change. So, you can expect me to be the same naive Junilla for 10 years or more. I will change, not thhe personality though. I need a person who can bare with me for whatever reason. A person who can grow with me. What should I type now? More and more craps yeah? All the philosohpy..Haha.

BTW, the dinner with my beloved Marion is cancelled :( Well, she is sick unfortanately.And now..I am in the computer Lab, having fun with M@x...he claims that he is professional, yeah, damn professional in the picture he takes in Max Brenner..Wakkaa. Indeed, it is a good picture. And IRene...was acting crazy few seconds ago. Waakaka...Lucky I haven't had my dinner, if not..I would have regret. They are so so funny...Laughing as if this computer lab is ours. Irene is always the funniest girl, the hilarious Irene. U are the best...

June

I wonder why

2005-09-08T21:49:00.000+10:00

Why can't there be a pure friendship between male and female? Both single and both share personal stories with each other...But in the end, one will fall for the other. True? You think you know him well enough, so there won't be any scenario where he likes U as 'someone'. But in the end, he turns you down. He confesses his feeling, although he knows exactly nothing gonna change the friendship I think we have. That's what happen to me yesterday. Pretty sad..for me.

Why? Shouldn't you be pleased to have someone fall for you? Realistically Yes, but not emotionally. I feel that I failed in keeping the relationship well enough as I should probably have. I might have giving a wrong sign or hint to him. Therefore, he can let himself like me. Is it the gesture or the ways I present myself? I am confused. I do draw the line, don't I? And if I have to admit, I distance myself from men for the past few years. Except Martin who I have always be upfront and honest to, and some old friends too. Those who I really know care about me for who I am, as their friend. This is a real pathetic situation.

Alright, let's talk about FIJIIIIIII now. Quick update. I am going on the 2nd Nov, for 6 days 5 nights. All everything seems to be confirmed. I have a question though. I chatted with Ching2 (my housemate), and she brought out an issue, which worries me now. Do I, as an Indonesian, need a VISA to get into FIJI island? You know Indonesian is soon to be the 'black-listed' travellers, I guess. Hopefully not..
Allan..a guy I know virtually. We chat online today. And things seem to go pretty well. At least, I have someone to talk to when I need it. He is older than me, mature, motivated, realistic and smart. This is what I can see virtually too. Who knows the real him..so, to be cautious, I should be..as he says too. But, how far?

Tomorrow, Friday Night...Yay. I am going to have a dinner with Marion (the most friendly Aussie girl I have ever met). Pretty, smart, friendly...and friendly. i have ever think that if I have to find a mentor in Public Relations, She will be the best mentor I can think of, seriously. We'll go to 'Desert house', her favourite restaurant with Irene and Jennifer. Well, it will be a great night for sure. Can't wait. We'll be chatting like crazy..I think. Haha

June

Elina, devi and Irene

2005-09-08T10:50:00.000+10:00

I had a coffee time with Elina, Deviani and Irene Tuesday, two days ago. We missed Stephani though. As always, we talked about everything, and everything was in details..HHmm..We always laughed as if we own the 'Lounge'*smile*. It was good fun, a little 'something' that actually helped me go through the rest of the week. Guess what, there were two strangers that approached us few minutes after Irene left for the Fashion event. Irene, you should have stayed a little bit longer. There are 1 Aussie bloke and 1 Vietnamese (Asian). Well, they didn't actually leave good impression, especially the 'half sober' Vietnamese. Nice and friendly, but no 'cya next time'..Elina was so good. Lucky we had her, she could 'tackle' them ;)

This Saturday I won't be working. I feel guilty coz I won't be earning money. Yet I need to pay for the PR seminar RMIT has organized for $44. But it is wise to think it this way, this is one of the best experiences to really get into the PR industry. At least have a 'glance' of what industry it is. So, it is worthed, isn't it? I have no experience at all in this industry. If I don't start getting my self involved, When? Hopefully, I will enjoy that day, and have a clear understanding of the career I wish I have had in the next 5 years.

June

If Only

2005-09-04T21:02:00.000+10:00

Who doesn't like this phrase? I love it. It might sound like I love to dream. But we need dream, don't we? These few days, exactly the past 2 days, I have been thinking a lot. Not about assignments sadly, it is more to my emotional feeling. This is because there's nothing major due next week :| which leads me to be 'lazy' to be busy..and let myself waster the time to think things that I am not supposed to think.

If Only I can be Free from feeling. If only I can please everyone I love and love me. If only I make no mistakes. If only I can foresee my future...If only I could turn back time...If Only.. They are all the 'If Only' questions which are all impossible. Think back, my heart isn't as strong as I think it should be. I hate loneliness, yet can't help not to be. There's always someone who doesn't mind to stand by my side whenever I do need somoeone. But, when I think, I need to be fair too. It has to be vice versa..

I am currently trying to finish a book by Nicole Krauss The History of Love and there is a line that catches my attention.
"Her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering"
What a sweet thing to have if it is to be real. But still, there's a sad story behind every Love story. I have finished a book called Call me Elizabeth , great book indeed. It's not about the the main character who is a prostitute. For me, it's more to the struggle of a mum with six children and how she demands the family to survive. Her Love is unconditional and she would do Anything for Love, would you?

I chatted with Jeanne today. And we touched on Potential Love story too. People say that "It's better to be loved than to love", OR, "It's better to be with someone who love U rather than someone who U love". Is this true? Which one applies? HHmm..I am not sure myself. I guess, to have the mutual love is the best. But it is hard to get.

Well, that's for tonight. Still have a lot in mind about what my current emotions are... but can't write no more. Secret..Wakaka.

June

Not the best Saturday

2005-09-03T21:39:00.001+10:00

My heart pains. A lot reasons to this. I feel that I fail to please the people (more than 1) I love. I don't know exactly what I have done to them. Do I actually hurt them really without any intention? Or am I too stupid to NOT know what I have done? Have I always been aware of the consequences of every step that I make? Seriously, I feel so bad today. I wish I can just vanish from this world.

Talk to someone, knowing that how much in pain he is. I can hardly stand. My emotion is crawling like the wave in the ocean. There's no instant direction. So, what should I so to be wise? Again? Why all the idealistic way of thinking is always there? I hate this. What about my emotion and feelings? I am also normal human being.I tell myself, I need to STAND FIRM, regardless of how I emotionally weak...

I offended someone at my work today, not intentionally. I apologized though, but no response :( The sad thing is that, he took it personally. He might be too sensitive, but it's his prerogative. I am sometimes sensitive too. But, it actually affected me. Really! I hate it becoz it made me hate myself, which I shouldn't.
I hate to be ignored as a person, it doesn't feel right. I try my best to please everyone, but what do I get? I know, I need to sincerely please others..can't ask for more, But..I am also normal human being. I just need some respect and appreciation.

I guess, I have always post unhappy part of my life. That's sad. I wish I can be myself more, yet I want to be 'full of life' like others.

FIJIIIIIIIII...btw, quick updates. I am going to Fiji with the gals this Nov. Well, the booking is to be made soon. Hopefully, it'll be the best memorable trip I ever had with my friends....First time not with my family though.

June

Forward or backward

2005-09-02T15:34:00.000+10:00

Most people don't normally think backwards. Past is the past. So, why do I need to always look back? If I think about what happened last week or yesterday, it's what other people do too. But when it comes to this, thinking about what happened years back..it's not a good sign.

Anyway...yesterday wasn't the best day. I had a presentation, which I think didn't go very well. I knew it before i even started, but I couldn't change it. And another extra annoying thing is a classmate of mine starts to bother me a lot. He is just annoying. Even when I went online MSN, I have to set myself BUSY to avoid him from calling me.. wicked huh?

Yet there's something nice too. Nice to know that people can actually trust you and willing to share their problem with U. Especially when you actually want them to share it with U. *wink* I guess, everyone does have their own problem. It's whether they want to speak out loud, share it with at least someone, or just keep it within themselves. Though I would say,having someone is the best. I can go insane if I don't have.

There are just so many memories that I can't NOT think. I do wish I can turn back time..unfortunately, it will never happened. People who have painted the picture of my life and coloured it. Poeple who make me keep their messages and never want to delete them and I haven't. People who make me write my diary. Someone who make me now realise that I am too 'stupid' not to know or get the hints. Regret? yes, I do regret. It will be selfish though to ask that someone to treat me the way he used to. Well, I can just sealed this beautiful chapter.

Now, I want to keep myself firm. Phantom of my past, hopefully it will fade away yet it will never vanish.

Expect the unexpected

2005-08-31T21:31:00.000+10:00

Another mundane day in Melbourne. My emotion has been challenged. Does anyone believe in the 'stop' move? That's what I have been facing lately. It's not a pleasant feeling though. I always tell myself, it's not me who ask at the first place. So they shouldn't have started, and if they do they can't just cut off whenever they want. That frustrates me indeed.

Another unexpected thought. I wonder does anyone know what is the distinction between Like and Love, Lust and Crush? Or obsession? They are all blended sometimes. U care the person U like, U care the person U love too. U want them to be happy if U love them, they say. But, doesn't it start with the 'like' and the 'obsession' to make him/her have the same feeling as U do. The pumping of the hearts and the hope to be together as a couple? then U can show how U love them? Love is not the absolute reason in having a relationship, although ideally it should. Even for married couples, who know they are gradually losing their love to each other, and that love turns into something else. Companionship maybe. Initially, they care about each other. It's always been complicated.

June

How could I..? (#1)

2005-08-30T22:23:00.000+10:00

Yeah, blame me. How could I forget? I realise I haven't had any post about my loved ones who are not in Melb. With all respects, here it is. *winks*

To start with, JEANNE, who is currently in Singapore. This girl is extremely talented. I used to, or still, envy her for her art-sense :) She is damn creative. And the best thing is, she never judge. That's what best friends do..isn't it? I miz all the times we spent together with Desy, Dina, regardless of where we were. And thanks to U to, I get to know AKong. I learn a lot.

Next, Martin..this computer addict. I know too many secrets about him, so does he I guess. He is indeed a really nice + honest guy. Once I think we are soul mates. There's hardly any boundaries when we chat. Well, he must be really proud of himself right now. Hhmm...Thanks for everything.

[PS:2nd edition will be UP soon]
June

Memories

2005-08-30T19:02:00.000+10:00

All the sudden today, I feel like I want to document my last trip back in Medan. The most important part of me is my family, obviously.
What can I recall? Hhmm..Probably the nice dinner that dad bought us one night. PS: Sis didn't come along though. The restaurant was located in a quite rural area in Medan. It's an old building, and actually a residential villa. Initially, the owner of the Dutch-taste villa has initiated to have the restaurant in their big authentic villa. Quite a new one though. It is there since 2003 (when I left medan). It's so cosy, and I guess, it is the best spot for couples to have romantic candle light dinner. And I have no idea what it's called..oups

There is bad memory too, that actually worries me till now. Dad accidentally hurt his left hand. And he hasn't fully recovered yet till today. I hate to find out that I can't really do anything to help. I can only say "Dad, U have to take care"...nothing else. MUM, always be the best mum. I always know that she has the most worries. But she handles it well. She will always have my unconditional LOVE.

Also, the trip to Malaysia, 4-5 days with my Bro and Sis, also not to forget my 33 years old cousin *wink*. It was the best. THough most of the day tour is lead by my bossy sister *smile*, but it was great fun indeed. Love them to death!! There was a suprise (actually expected) birthday cake from them. I had a bday cake prior to my actual birthday. (",)

June

Empty

2005-08-30T18:55:00.000+10:00

I hate this feeling. When people do give U attention or care about U and suddenly they just leave U.What do U expect? That's what I feel know. When I think back, it's not me who ask for the 'attention', but when I am so used to the 'company', it been blown away.

I have to say, I do want to resist. Never want to complain though. Nothing is absolute I guess. If U are to have something, U have to be prepared to lose it too.
Lucky I always have busy day, so I can keep myself occupied regardless of what happens.

June

A new stranger, out of the blue

2005-08-28T21:15:00.000+10:00

Surprised, stunned and full of doubts. That's what I feel to this stranger, a new person that I never met face to face, who I just know through mssges. He is a he, obviously.
Well, there's nothing much I can say about him. We know each other a week ago. He is a more mature person that I am becoz he is older, probably. Nice person to talk to indeed. "We need two hands to clap", that's one of his best line. I am not sure where this is going.But sure, there'll be nothing to be expected from this sudden friendship I believe. It's only 'companionship' and 'friendship'. ^^

June

Nice Saturday

2005-08-28T20:39:00.000+10:00

Yesterday,as the routine, I worked at Nandos. It was great fun. I wasn't smiling all the time, people will think that I drink something I am not supposed to *smile*. Indeed, I am not sad on that day. Initially, it is not so much about the best U can get out of something in this world. The underlying truth is how U make the best out of something. That's what happened last Saturday. To see people enjoy themselves, share laughter and happiness, that is the best thing.

At night, my housemates' friends came by. We watched DVD at home. 'Law of Attaction' is quite a good movie..entertaining. Again, this is the best time I have ever had after a while being apart from the social life I have been dreaming of...Tim, Garry and Ayang are lots of fun. They are pure best friends, always have sarcastic jokes with each other, which is funny. Ching2 slept early though.

That's a wrap.
June

First time ever

2005-08-26T23:02:00.000+10:00

Well, welcome to the world of blogger. Haha..at last I sign up.
Thanks to Krystal for helping me, the secret recipe that leads me to signing up. Also, not to forget Irene gal...U know, U are the one who inspires me to have my personal blog. Arigato Gozaimas...

Today is Friday..as there'll always be Friday's girls night out..It's either forthnightly or monthly, most preferably weekly. There are just too much things to reveal each time the four gals meet..*smile*
Yet I have to say, tonight meal was good. Though the resaturant owner is actually too 'good' that make me promise myself, I never want to go to that Lebanese Restaurant no more...

That's about it for tonight...
June